Perfect Imperfections

Chapter 11: MY IDENTITY

GERTRUDE BARKER,2018
I got married when I was young and stupid. It was one of those arranged marriage things where your parents gave you the picture of the man and you were supposed to suddenly dream about him all day and all night. Pretty cool right. I didn't meet Craig face to face until my wedding day.

My wedding was as gallant as one could organize on a priest's salary. My peasant parents were never going to contribute anything worthwhile to my wedding so basically I didn't get an Elizabeth Bennet wedding, a Jane Bennet wedding. Even Lydia's wedding was more lavish than mine but this was a joke I obviously couldn't share with Craig. Craig hated Jane Austen as much as dogs hate squirrels because of her pragmatic views on love and marriage. According to him, Austen's books taught women to leave their husbands and homes. He had once even tried to make me stop teaching her books at school.

This marriage has cost me everything; my children, my dreams and my happiness. I was not allowed to have hobbies outside the box meaning I was supposed to like things like baking, cooking and cleaning the house, normal women things not partying. I used to like partying when I was younger but the shackles of my marriage and the high status enjoyed by a priest stopped me from doing everything I wanted. I am happy that we are now poor. No one judges us for one little mistimed sneeze but being poor did not bring back my happiness. I am just a shell of my former self. At sixty one, I have nothing to my name. Not a penny or property or even a trophy. Everything is in my husband's name. I am just a housewife.

Everyone knows me as the submissive wife. The one who is always at her husband's beck and call. The woman who watched as my own husband shot my daughter. I am the woman who sits still as my husband narrates dastardly plans to kill my youngest daughter's unborn baby. Is this the life I dreamed of when I was younger? Being a wife who got the shit beaten out of her for breaking a glass or for serving dinner late? This was the part about my life that my children never knew because whenever he lost control and hit me so hard that I couldn't walk, he would make up a story that I had accompanied students for a study trip yet in truth I was in the hospital soaking up on pain killers and stitches.

I have failed all my children; those that are alive and even those that are dead. The ones I was forced to abort because the ultrasound showed that they were of a female sex. I was only allowed to keep Elaine and Elizabeth because Craig had finally got a son, Evan, the apple of his eye, his heir. I was not allowed to reprimand Evan for anything at all. Craig owned Evan and I was to raise Elaine and Elizabeth.

I'm now packing my clothes secretly because I am leaving Craig. I am so fed up of his authoritative rule. I want to stretch my wings and soar like an eagle before cancer or hypertension settles in. I don't know how that will work out but I am leaving. I am not staying with him a day longer.

I should have helped Elaine all those years ago but I stood by as he shot her. Elaine. My beautiful daughter is an accomplished psychiatrist. She has fulfilled her dreams all thanks to another woman. Am I jealous? No, I am not jealous because I know I would not have been able to give her all that she needed to thrive. She has made a name for herself as Emilia Gardiner and I know that it kills Craig when he sees how she has turned out nevertheless I am proud of my daughter. I am proud of who she has become.

I am done packing so I hide the suitcase under the bed and go to the kitchen to prepare Craig's supper. I am going to crush in some of my sleeping pills because I want him out cold so that I can escape and be with my lover.

Yes, I have a lover. He is half my age. I met him at church and he lives close by. He truly loves and adores me for what I am. He has promised me a life of freedom and frankly I am desperate so I accepted to run away with him but there is a condition. There always is.