Seasons (Four Shots)

Autumn

"The Man in my Dreams"

It's that time of the year. Leaves turn yellow then brown, thereafter, fall down from the branches slowly and elegantly. The trees are shedding its leaves, and for a while, it stays naked. Branches stand alone in the cold, giving off a misty vibe. People wear a layer or two more, cover more. I placed my hands inside the pockets of my coat to stay warm, while I looked around constantly while walking down on what seems to be an isle of golden leaves piled around, the naked branches of the trees barely giving a cover. I was the only person without a camera because of a promise. A little promise with a person who pushed me into going on this trip alone.

He told me not to bring anything that would distract my visit. I have a phone inside my bag but it's limited to everything other than sending messages for updates about how my days have gone. At first, I protested. I want to at least take a few pictures, for memories sake. But like what he had told me, I should engrave these views into my heart and mind. The photos do not change, it remains to the way it was when it was taken, especially if it's been taken care of properly. But a person's memory is very fragile and complicated. I treasure all of his words, all of the wisdom he's shared with me.

He is the guy I've been looking for. He takes care of me when necessary, although most of the time makes fun of me and makes me laugh. I love doing both with him. The intimacy and all of the moments we shared together are not known to anyone but us. It's engraved into my mind vividly. That's why I agreed with him in the end.

I don't remember how we met, but I still clearly remember what I felt. I was amazed, amused, and weirded out at the same time. We just had this instant connection, and maybe both of us felt it, knowing how fast our relationship progressed. Somehow, we both felt like we already knew each other when we've never met each other before.

I was so happy whenever I was with him. He was so strong and dependable that even when I hurt him, he tried his best to be strong. He waits for me to calm before confronting our problems, and in between the silence of the war, he never leaves my side. He makes sure that I know that he's always here.

When my parents discovered our relationship, they reacted negatively. They don't want us together. They hated it. I wanted to retaliate, and fight for us, but he told me not to. It was heartbreaking because I was so ready to fight our war, but he didn't even let me begin. I was mad at him because he rejected me. I was mad at everyone because they kept us apart, and now he also chose to be apart from me. No one believed me. And he didn't believe in us, either.

I only now realize what sacrifice he had done.

He and I... well, we met in my dream. The doctors say that because he came from my dream, he was perfect. Tailored to my liking, and so that's why I fell in love with him very quickly. The things I've always wanted to do, I did with him. And the things I've always feared doing, he helped he overcome. That's why I don't believe the doctors entirely, especially on that part. Because he was never perfect. He had a lot of flaws in him. The way he walks, I did not quite like at first. The way he would fake his emotions just to appear strong, I hardly disagreed. And the way that he never showed me his tears, the way he hides his pain, I always condoned and hated.

After months of therapy, he never really fully left in my memories. When the doctors were telling me to forget him and not think of him again, that was the only time he finally broke his patience and disagreed. The only time he showed anger and frustration. He told me that he can accept not being to be with me, but on the condition that I will never ever forget him, and us. Our memories together. The doctor said okay, that it's part of the therapy. I wasn't actually paying attention that much because I was busy being broken, I was busy mourning. How can he easily accept that exchange? He chose the memories of our past over the memories we might make in the future.

But.. as you can see, I accepted everything now. I have been locked in my room for months and years, so my parents immediately agreed when I told them I want to go somewhere, but I didn't know where so they booked me this flight. I wanted to refuse because it was a month-long, and alone, again. Moreover, it was to the place where we had the most memories together. We always walked by the rows of trees here, and we spent countless dates here especially in autumn. It was my favorite season.

And he convinced me to come. Here I am now. I am still broken, but hopefully, in the process of healing. While walking down the chilly isle of golden leaves, I am reminded of the memories and moments we've shared together. My tears fall down without warning. I immediately sat by the nearest bench to hide. In front of the bench, beside the trees, is a river. My cries and tears fell down just like the rushing river.

I never even knew his name. That was one of the breaking points, one of the moments where I realized, while shouting at the doctors, that maybe they were right. It was a loophole. I just broke down crying. With all the memories of us together engraved deep in me, and none of them ever mentioned his name. No matter how hard I try to remember, I never come up with an answer. I try searching up thousands of names hoping one might feel familiar, but none. I never shared my name with him either... and that just broke my heart more.

I could never believe it. I just know in my heart that no matter how much the doctors say that I'm just experiencing delusions and hallucinations, vivid dreams. And how much my parents tell me that it's not real, I could not believe it. I just know in my heart that it's real. He is real. Maybe, our memories are just what I made but even if I convince myself. I know it. I can feel it. I can feel him. His heart beating just fine, even faster when we were together. How can all the feelings feel so real? How can my emotions feel true?

No. I still believe that he's alive somewhere at the very least. But if not. in my memories, he will still keep living.

"Here," the man who was sitting beside me at the bench the whole time gave me a handkerchief. I was about to refuse, bowing down, being polite, and quickly wiping my tears, but I stopped halfway when our eyes met. His voice quickly confused my mind. He was also bewildered.

There was just silence, bewilderment, and shock.

"H-Hi.. uh, my name is Lorien.." he introduced himself, and I could see that he was full of hesitation.

I couldn't reply fast to him. I had to take my time processing our current situation. I used his handkerchief to wipe away my tears so I would be able to get a good look at him. What the hell is happening?!

"N-Nara... Nara. My name is Nara," I said after a while.

He nodded enthusiastically. I noticed that his eyes were also teary as they gleamed. He looked away to wipe it before it fell down.

Unlike him, my tears couldn't stop running down my cheeks.

I decided to ask him. "Uhm... Can I ask you a question?" I said while trying my best to hold back my tears.

"Yeah? Of course, yeah, anything. Go ahead." He was still a little bit-oriented. Only then I realized... has he.. has he been dreaming about me, too? About us?

"Uhm.." I had to clear the lump in my throat before continuing.

"Have you had any dreams lately?" I gathered my courage to ask.

When I looked up and met with his eyes, he finally shed a tear. Our eyes locked and I just knew immediately. We understood immediately. Our connection. Our love. Our memories. Us.

When we hugged each other, I held him as tightly as I could. For the first time... I finally felt what it's like to hug him. His warmth. His love. His passion. His dreams. And I knew that from this moment on, we would fight for our love and never let go of each other ever again.