Dirty Little Game ♠ Professor Lupin

Eighteen: Dry Your Eyes

By the time I went back to school, I was a wreck. I came to the point where nothing did matter to me as I had no influence over my life or myself. Winston's face changed drastically when he spotted me. He was never the caring type, but I must have sparked his worry.

"You alright?" He asked when we got on the train.

"Do I look that bad?" I replied, trying to sound funny, but he didn't buy it.

He leaned over to me and spoke with a straight face, "You look like a ghost." I felt like that too. Couldn't tell him that. "I suspected you were going to have problems. Was it really worth it?"

I didn't respond. Two weeks ago, I would've been angry with him, I was convinced this was something I felt ready to fight for, but now he has caused nothing but annoyance. The truth was, I wasn't even sure about my answer anymore. My mind was in a messy state.

We spent the journey in silence again. I sat with my legs tucked up, my head resting on the cold glass and I watched the blurry landscape as the train was speeding. Although I was glad I was going back to school, I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't know where I was at or what the future held for me. What will become of me? What were my parents' plans for me? Will I still be a member of this family when I return from Hogwarts?

Did I even want to be part of this family? Honestly. What was keeping me here? Certainly not toxic parents. But they were my only parents, my only family, I didn't even have any siblings. I couldn't imagine living with them further, it surely wouldn't be the same as before. Maybe they wanted to banish me and wipe me out of the family tree, as all other pure-blooded families did with 'unworthy' people.

I was an adult by law. I was seventeen and theoretically I didn't have to look back at my parents, didn't have to listen to them or consider them in my life. But without them, I was nobody. I had nothing; neither a place to live, nor a source of income, nor respect from the society. I just couldn't get away from them.

How did others do it? Over the years, I have heard of a few pureblood wizards who split up from their families and went their own way. Hell, even Sirius Black did it. He had broken out at the age of eleven when he was selected to Gryffindor, he was a kid, and as an adult I couldn't do that?

On the other hand, look where it got him.

I had no one to turn to for help. My group of friends has just shrunken, leaving me only Wilton. Life wasn't easy for him as well and I wasn't going to bother him with my own problems. Distant relatives would certainly side with my parents, so they wasn't an option.

I didn't have anyone and it was only now that I realized I was alone in this world.

When in his welcome speech Dumbledore mentioned that 'the magical Christmas time is over' and the students have to go back to their ordinary life, I stopped listening. He didn't know shit.

I couldn't swallow anything. Following his talk, all of the tables were coated with food but the delicious aroma only angered me. My stomach grumbled with hunger, but I suspected that if I took a bite I would have to spit it out. I poured pumpkin juice into a glass and tried to drink it in little sips.

Next to me, Wilton sighed heavily as his gaze fell on the table. "You should eat something and talk, if only to me. People are starting to stare."

I looked up, catching at least four Slytherins watching me, including Ryley, whose expression I couldn't make out. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction or the impression that it was because of him, so I straightened up and forced my mouth to smile. I put something on my plate with no intention of eating it; just pretending, as I always do.