Last Two Words

Chapter 3

I woke up with the noise of the bustling city. 

I didn't know I was that tired from the ride or from life. Nakatulog ako without changing my clothes and I'm still wearing my shoes...ON THE BED. This is indecorous. But who cares? 

Ralph. He would.

But I slept again, and again.

---

Last night or should I say two nights ago I asked Ralph, my internet friend since I was thirteen-now my friend if he knew a place where I could stay low. Fortunately, he has a place na hindi niya masyadong nagagamit. He's a programmer and he travels a lot, but he'll go on the road soon kaya sabi niya I could stay at his place for free. 

" Good morning! May pagkain sa kusina. Sorry it's not that good, hindi ako marunong mag luto " Pambungad ni Ralph saakin habang nag v vaccuum. I went out after I took a week worth of bath.

" Salamat, and I don't mind. Ang laki na kaya ng naitulong mo. Thank you for letting me stay " I stared at the food, I haven't eaten in days pero wala pa rin akong gana. He just bowed a bit and continued vacuuming

" You know kailangan mong kumain diba? If not baka magkasakit ka then mamatay " That's the goal. " Hindi ka pa kumakain simula ng makarating ka dito " 

I forced myself to eat and chew. Since when did consuming food become such a burden?

" Lalabas nga pala ako mamaya. May PS5, tv, food, and madami pa. Feel at home Gab " I smiled at him while chewing his beef pares, to other people this would have been glorious but in my mouth, it tasted like paper.

" Thank you, the food is great by the way! "

He left three hours after lunch. I'm alone again. 

I went back to bed hoping to drift into oblivion but sleep is no longer my companion. I tried to watch movies but I couldn't hear anything. I browsed his books but I couldn't concentrate on reading. I walked back and forth hanggang sa makarating ako sa higaan ko and my phone continuously buzzed and vibrated like it's about to combust anytime.

Messages. Missed calls. Emails. From different people and different apps. Two questions. Why and Where. 

I activated airplane mode and turned off the location. I covered myself from them like putting a black cat in a dark room. I'm still here, but you won't be able to know unless I show myself.

I don't know how long I sat on his balcony until he barged inside the living room with a friend that nearly threw me off. Ralph looked at me, startled as if he forgot I existed. That isnt a new thing.

" Hello Gab! this is Ricky. Ricky this is Gab " 

" Anong Ricky! Gaga gabi na. It's Rica " Sabi naman ng kasama niya while putting a pink lip gloss.

" Fine Rica " Sabi ni Ralph at agad naman siyang pumasok sa kwarto niya.

" Hello Gab! Alam mo, hindi nagsabi yan si Ralp na may kasama siya dito edi sana binilhan kita ng nice to meet you food. Jowa ka ba niya? This is a miracle " 

" No, I'm not his girlfriend. Hindi ba ang girlfriend niya si Melanie? "

" Oh no no no. Masamang espiritu yan!!! " Bilis niyang sagot at nag labas ng crystals. He started to swish and wave it inside the room and then bumilong siya saakin na nag hiwalay na sila just a month ago dahil gusto ni Ralph na magpakasal pero si Melanie hindi pa handa. " Alam mo ang boring dito. Sumama ka nalang saamin, lalabas kami. Actually wala kang magagawa kasi kakaladkarin kita kung maari para lang sumama ka. "

" I agree " Sabi naman ni Ralph.

I stared at them for a second. Maybe it's not that bad to go out. I have no other responsibilities. "Okay"

" First stop sa salon ko. Look at that Man's hair. D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R " Rica shouted, making sure that Ralph heard her.

--

Now we're at a random bar with random friends, Ralph's friends. With my bleached hair, for a change. A fresh perspective as Rica said.

I forced myself to smile and laugh and be with them but it's so hard to concentrate, I would lose myself every now and then. They kept repeating a guy's name whom they've been waiting for hours now, they just mentioned his name again but I can't remember. Then they changed into a topic with depth, about life. 

Now the feelings I kept pushing aside started to flood. All these guilt, regret, pain, and loss. Why am I even trying when they clearly are better without me.

I took one shot after the other, not caring if it burned my throat.

I just want it all gone.

A shot.

I feel like i have been punched in the chest repeatedly when the sun had left and it won't come back.

Another.