Falling Down (Rick Grimes Romance)

Chapter 6

Emotional scars  are the road map to where our life has taken us. A stilled picture of all the choices we have made over a life time. Some scars are faded and barley recognizable while others forever remain open and fresh. Sculpting and changing us one would hope we would learn from the mistakes of our past. That in the end one becomes much older and wiser. Capable of making the right decision this time around.

Thing of it was I had absolutely no idea what the right choice was. It wasn't exactly clear cut and dry but messy. If I was to look at my own stilled picture, my road map of mistakes, I could tell you I seldom chose right when it comes to men. Thing of it was Rick was only a part of the equation in this choice. I was so indecisive that I was grid locked. For every thought I had a little voice in my head had a contradictory reason. Right, wrong, it all jumbled together without any division.

I didn't have much left but I still had my pride. I had fallen head over heels in love with Rick and everyone at the prison knew it. They all watched my my heartache as Rick chose to go back to Lori. Resulting in a crushing blow I just couldn't recover from. Still I was expected to remain and just deal with it. See the pity in everyone's eyes that I was such a fool. Watch as Rick and Lori rediscovered their love. Bare witness to everything I had lost. I had my reasons for leaving which still stand true today. Why should I have to go back and watch a single moment of the man I love in another women arms...in her bed. Like I said I do have some pride left. Tattered and torn none the less it was still there.

To begin with I had left over three months ago. Accepted or judged I had moved on to a new life distant from the one I had at the prison. I had a job and responsibilities to the community I was apart of now. Besides why should the prison group take priority over them.

Shane and I were.....well we are what ever this is. Unlabeled, undefined and little more than a steady hook up Shane was still someone to consider.  It's not like I could say.....hey thanks for the ride Shane but it's over. Lori had all but done that to him once. It was ironic how I had once judged Lori thinking of her as a skank, an adulteress, and a slut. Did I want to now want to place myself in those same columns with Lori. Maybe I already belonged and just didn't see it yet.

The prisons group lack of knowledge and supplies was their concern not mine. This in no way truly had to effect me. I knew what I was doing and I ensured that my camp had ampules of everything we needed. Besides when I was there they were all about training and sharing knowledge. I remember on more than one occasion hearing them say that knowledge was the key to survival. Why should I step forward when they so clearly dropped the ball. How was it that three months later they should become my concern again.

Yet at the same time I would not be standing here if it wasn't for them. I have no doubt what so ever that I was not long for this world if they hadn't taken me in. They were once my family and despite how certain members might feel I still loved and cared for them. They had invested time and effort in me especially Hershel and Maggie. I had become strong and to a large degree rediscovered who I was. Then without warning or notice I left. I didn't just leave I tried to sneak away.

In the grand scheme of things it was hard to deny I did owe them something but was guilt a good enough reason to go back even temporarily. Truth of it was they were good people who needed help. What would it say about me if I turned my back on them now.

Owing or not there was still the issue of Rick. They were obviously desperate if he had agreed to having me come back. Rick saw things in black or white. You were either with him or you were against him. When I walked away from him that day with Shane I had clearly decided I was against him. If I were to go to the prison there would be nothing more than open hostility between Rick and I. It already was killing me to know how Rick felt about me when I still loved him. My heart would be trampled daily wether Rick did it intentionally or not.