Hey fuck face. Before I pester you, or myself in this case, I hope you had a not-so shitty day. Now I want to say that we won't always be able to help people. We have to trust that that person will be okay. Now helping others has always been- yeah no. Its hard for me to keep my stubborn side in check just as it is for you. We WANT to help people. But you can't always have a fucking solution to everybody's problems. And you NEED to learn that.
June 15th:
Hey fuck face. I think you may have some, MINOR, anger issues. You bipolar bitch. You get triggered easily. You realize that, right? You're stubborn too. You're possessive. Annoying most of the time. You don't necessarily hit soft. So much shit is wrong with you. If someone does something that sets you off you give them fifteen fucking warnings because you and I both know, once you're pushed past your limit, you won't stop. You tend to lose yourself. A lot. And for what? You disgust me sometimes. I don't like how I get triggered by small shit. Its petty and unattractive. Maybe that's why people don't associate themselves with you. Because you're a ticking fucking time bomb.
I started trying to become closer to loving myself. Every night, after a shower, I would stand in front of the mirror, still wrapped in a towel, and tell myself that Im beautiful. Much to MY fucking dismay. As soon as I dropped the towel I moved from in front of the mirror. Why? Because I hate seeing myself dress or undress. I don't like the sight of my bare body. I don't like the thought of wearing clothes that hug me either. What can I say? I hate my body. The thought of someone seeing me naked is terrifying. What if they hate my body more than I do? What if I get shamed for it? I can't wear a lot of things because according to my family I have a mature body. More like a disgusting body. Some days I admire it. But it never lasts more than five minutes.
You- are such a fucking dramatic..Im going to bed.
Okay so I was a bit confused but I did come to the conclusion that I was fighting against what my mind believes if that makes sense. Like- I believe it too but my mind is always there to remind me of what Im feeling. So yeah. I have no idea if I should put a trigger warning on this or not so lmk. Also- I haven't been diagnosed with depression or with body dysmorphia simply because I do not have that privilege. My mother isn't allowing it and we all know how that is. I don't have a say in that. But until next time lovelies💜
YOU ARE READING
Behind Closed Doors
Non-FictionThis is NOT a story in any type of way. This "book" will, however, be about the things I experience everyday when I am alone compared to when I am around others. Im simply doing this because I need some type of reassurance that I'm not going crazy.
