Behind Closed Doors

Alone vs. Public

Everyday is the same thing for me. Everything is repeating and nothing changes. Even when there are people around me I feel alone. What's even worse is that no one can tell what's going on inside my head. At least that's what it feels like. But when I'm alone? Let's get to that.
When I'm alone, there are times that I do indeed feel relaxed. And when Im relaxed I start to think. When I think, nothing good really comes out of it. This is because I think about myself. My insecurities. My appearance. Everything. And to give you a bit of perspective, I'm going to talk about something that happened a few weeks back. Back on Nov. 14th, my brother was coming home for the first time from Youth Camp training. Which meant he was gonna have some kind of party and everyone had to dress and look presentable. Did you catch that..."look presentable." After that was said, I stood in the mirror for damn near 30 minutes looking at myself. And I felt disgusted and unhappy. I also felt like I was being dramatic and just tried to tell myself I look fine. THAT sure as hell didn't go right. Once I thought that, I broke down. I cried so much in just that small span of five minutes that I ended up with one hell of a headache. My crying session was cut short bc I knew ppl would have to go in there, so i waited about 15 minutes until I heard everyone go outside. That's when I closed the door to my bedroom and lost it once again. But instead of just crying I did something that I didn't think i would do to myself. I started beating myself in the head with my fist and damn did that shit hurt. But thats what made me keep going. I felt like that would be the only thing to keep me calm but it just made me freak out more bc I was thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with me?!" I felt insane. I felt mentally unstable. That shit was not fun at all. And the crazy thing is, all of that happened because of my body insecurities. Funny isn't it?
This didn't stop anytime soon either. Me crying over how I appeared started  occurring alot more often. But I hadn't hit myself once. That is until last week. I was writing a song about how I was feeling. About my past and current struggles. The song itself meaning is life worth it. I asked for a bit of evaluation on it even though it was very much personal to me. I asked my brother and his cousin to read it and see if it was good but I felt like they made a joke out of it even if they didn't mean to. I was thinking that once they read the lyrics they would see that it had a deep ass meaning but I thought wrong. It wasn't even thirty seconds before I ran into the bathroom and cried to myself. After that, the crying never stopped. Instead, something else came up. That something just had to be me hitting myself. Abusing my arms as well as my thighs. A few hits to the head and some anxiety tics. Even as I was doing it, I never thought that hitting myself was a form of both self-neglect as well as self abuse. I knew it was gonna get worse but they came knocking on the door to check on me and I had no choice but to stop ONLY because I didn't want them to think I'm crazy. Here's another thing.
Because I am insecure about how I look, I only proceeded to eat once everyday with a few small snacks. That's pretty much starvation isn't it? I didn't think of that either. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm like this. I want help but I don't know how to get it.
When I'm around other people, they see me as a vibrant, happy, and open young girl. I'm alot of things, but those aren't even close to them. I smile alot around other people. And I laugh alot as well. But the smiling girl people see...she isn't me. Behind that smile and those laughs, there is alot of pain that's being hidden. But it's hard for people to understand that. Let alone family. My friends can read me like an open book but some people stick out. Theres this one person who can see right through me. She can always tell if I'm lying or not. And she's always there when she can be. Whenever she knows there's something wrong with me she checks on me. Even if I try to bullshit her into thinking Im alright, she doesn't believe it. I cant get anything like that past her. But thats a good thing. Bc if I didnt have her or any of my other friends, Im more than sure my struggle would be way worse than it is right now.
This is the last thing Im gonna say before you see me update again. I'm a goofy person. I laugh and smile so much that I think its unreal. And I've given y'all a peak behind my curtain. So please please please...the friends you have that always seem happy? Make sure to check up on them and see if they are doing alright.