dear agent hotchner || a.h

five

I urged Aaron to stay in my living room as I went into my kitchen to try and figure out what I was gonna do. It can take a few hours for the liquid to fully travel completely from the bag into the feeding tube, and it's not like I had that kind of time with Aaron waiting here. Not to mention everyone else waiting for us at Rossis house for the therapy session or whatever they were gonna do.

I felt myself getting overwhelmed. I didn't want to go to Rossis and eat and then end up sick for the rest of the night. I needed this to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible. This sucked why does this have to happen to me?

I felt hot tears pooling in my eyes as I stared at the blender and the iv pole situated right in front of said blender. I haven't even used the stupid thing since I got it. "Y/n, I know you said to-" I heard Aaron's voice enter the kitchen and it abruptly stopped. I turned to face him, hot tears rolling down my face and he furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "What's wrong? Hey- it's okay.." He trailed off, stepping forward and I could only bring myself to just fall into his arms. He immediately wrapped me in a hug, rubbing my back softly, whispering sweetly in my ear.

I don't know how long we stood there holding eachother but I eventually calmed down and he slowly pulled away, looking at me with such worry, like I was the only person in the whole world. Yet in a year I'd seize to exist. I shook my head slightly at the thought, pushing the tears on my cheeks away with my palms. "I have to ask, you know I have to." He says and I knew he had saw the bags and the tubes and the iv pole. All of it. I slowly nodded and I took a step back, letting my eyes close momentarily as I took in a deep breath and let it out. Aaron softly tilted his head, a confused look made it's way onto his face once more and I just nodded, meeting his eyes.

I grabbed the edge of my shirt ready to lift it and he gave me a warning look, which I countered with a "just trust me" look before slowly lifting just enough to expose my stomach and the g tube that sat slightly off to the left on my abdomen. His mouth fell open slightly, eyes filling with concern as he stepped forward, eyes darting from their place on the g tube up to meet my eyes. "You.. uh, why?" He asked and I swear I never seen him so at loss for words. I pulled my shirt back down, letting out a shaky sigh. "I can't keep anything down. I need nutrients." I say and his face twisted with more confusion and he stepped back.

"Y/n. I need the truth right here right now, what is wrong with you? I know you got a diagnosis. The way you texted me insinuated that. Please.. Y/n, I'm begging you.." Aaron trailed off a sadness to his words and I'm sure he's used context clues to figure it out, to get an idea of what was wrong with me. He's not dumb, he knows deep down. "I have cancer. Stomach." I say shortly, my throat tightening up, burning as tears threatened to breech my eyes once more. I was so sick of crying. It is so exhausting. The tears that made their way into his eyes hurt me even more and reminded me further why I didn't want anyone to know till last minute.

He's hurt and it's my fault. He's gonna emotionally be damaged. All because I existed once and will not in times come. "Is it..?" He asked and I let my eyes close and I think that answered his question because I heard him take in a sharp breath of air. "I'm terminal, yes." I say and Aaron stepped back, grabbing a chair to sit. I could see his mind was racing, eyes darting everywhere as he tried to collect his thoughts. It was silent for a bit and I didn't know what to say or do. "I'm sorry." I say quietly, not knowing what else to offer and his eyes trailed up from the floor to meet mine.

Tears were running down his face and it broke me into pieces to see him cry, staring up at me from where he sat. He looked like a sad puppy. "It's not.. it isn't your fault. Don't you ever be sorry." He says softly, taking in a deep breath. "You need to tell everyone else." He says suddenly and my heart dropped. I was afraid he'd say that. "I can't.." I trail off and he wiped his face, standing up suddenly and I stepped back, thinking he was mad but it was the oopsite. He grabbed my face gently and he kissed me. Not a quick peck either, like a proper kiss filled with passion and softness I never thought I'd feel from him ever in my short life. We pulled away and I stared at him, shocked as I tried catching my breath.