i promise, i'm trying.

four.

tsukishima pov.

i hold you in my arms as you struggle to breathe. come back to me, tadashi, you can do it.

part of me wants to know what happens when you're taken away from me, even though i could never ask you.

"you're okay, i'm here. i'm right here, you'll be okay," i whisper. i feel so useless. what am i supposed to do?

you slowly blink you're eyes open.

"can you hear me? you're okay." i say softly.

you open your mouth to respond but no sound comes out. you must be exhausted and probably thirsty after all that, whatever "that" is.

i slowly let go of you and tell you i'll be back. i regret it almost instantly when you tighten your grasp on my arm, your eyes filling with some sort of panic and a small noise, like a wounded animal, leaving your throat. i know you need this, though i should've already been prepared.

"i'll be right back," i repeat as i get up to get a glass of water.

when i return, you're staring blankly at a wall. what are you thinking about? i walk towards you and hand you the glass of water. i watch as you close your eyes and gulp down the water quickly.

"thank you," you say weakly. "i'm okay now."

"are you sure?" i ask, almost sure that you're lying to me.

you hesitate.

"yes. just tired. can you lay with me?" you ask.

"of course." i say.

we've been dating for almost half a year, and i still can't tell what's going on in your head. as i crawl into bed with you, i think about that.

"goodnight, tadashi." i say.

"goodnight, tsukki." you respond.

tsukki. why not kei? i shouldn't be as upset as i am about it, but as i open my mouth to say something, i can hear you softly snore. of course you're  exhausted after another episode, i'm so selfish, i mentally scold myself.

listening to your breathing evening out and the little things you sigh in your sleep relaxes me a bit. you're so pretty. i snuggle in closer, holding you as i close my eyes and drift off to sleep.