Spaces

Chapter 3

November 14, 2017.

Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.

I looked up and saw that it was 2:30 AM. Harry was already asleep. He tried staying up with me, but he had a test tomorrow so I told him to go to sleep. I was working late trying to finish my application for graduate school. I was stressing out about doing the essays. It felt like senior year of high school again.

I really wanted to go to  Johns Hopkins for graduate school. They have a better program for biological sciences and offer incredible research opportunities. I knew Harry had his own plan. He hadn't really told me what it was. I knew he was applying to schools, but I didn't know where. He hadn't told me how far along he was in his application process. I might overreacting. I tend to do that a lot. While I was stressing over graduate school, he seemed more relax about it.

I was getting distracted. I focused on my essay again. "Why Johns Hopkins?". The cursor just stood on the white blank screen. I had written done several different outlines to write my essay, but when it came to starting the actual essay, the outlines weren't helping. I didn't know where to get my inspiration. Why? Why? Why ask that question? I looked at the clock again 2:40 AM. Inspiration wasn't going to appear anytime soon. I decided to just give up for right now and close my laptop. 

I tried to quietly walk into the bedroom. I didn't want to wake him up. But once I laid down, he woke up.

"I've been waiting for you," he said as he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

" I'm sorry that I woke you up," I replied.

"How'd it go?" he asked. 

"We can talk about it later today once you've gotten enough sleep and have taken your exam," I replied.

Harry went back to sleep and I closed my eyes to let myself drift away.

 December 12, 2017

The school year was almost over. Less than five months months away. Maybe it's the fact that I like being in control, knowing what's next, and having a plan, but I was starting to freak out. Harry and I have not talked about what our plan will be after graduation. We've both been avoiding the conversation. It seems like we both want to avoid the pending unavoidable event: Harry's student visa expiration. It  expires sometime in June so he has to return to London at the beginning of June. I'm afraid about what will happen. I think Harry's more concerned about not making me worry than his actual predicament.

We were on the couch cuddling as we watched a movie. Don't do it Ella. I couldn't stop thinking about our future. The whole time the movie was playing I couldn't help, but zone off. I couldn't help myself. I turned around and looked at Harry. He was enjoying the movie like another normal person would be doing. He looked at me and smiled.

"What's going to happen after graduation?" I finally asked Harry as he kissed my forehead.

"Let's not talk about it," he replied. I knew he didn't want to worry me. I wasn't satisfied with the answer. "I'll figure things out. Don't worry."

"We need a game plan," I responded. I reached for his hand and intertwined it with mine. 

"Well then, I'll return to London for the summer before my student visa expires. Renew my student visa and return to finish grad school with you," Harry replied trying to make me happy.  "There's nothing to worry about."

"Okay," I replied as I thought about the plan in my head. Return, apply again, then come back. That's a good game plan.  "Nothing to worry about."

We went back to watching the movie. I was going over the plan in my head. I tried to stop myself and pay attention, but I couldn't.

"Haz," I said as I turned around to look at Harry again. Not even five minutes had gone by.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"How are you doing with applications?" I asked.

"I'm working on them. Ella, you really have nothing to worry. I'm applying to all the schools you are and some schools in England just in case something happens," Harry replied. " Let's just enjoy the movie."

" Okay," I replied as I turned back around to face the TV. 'Just in case something happens'. What did he mean by that? Did he think there was a possibility that he couldn't renew his visa? Stop Ella. You're doing it again. Drop it and enjoy the movie.

March 24, 2018

I had been nervously waiting for a response. Some of my friends had already heard back about which school they had got into. Even Harry had received responses from the schools he applied to.

" Ella!" Harry yelled. I closed my laptop and walked to the living room.

" What's wrong?" I asked confused as to why he had called me.

" Here," he handed me an envelope. It was from Johns Hopkins. It was a normal size envelope. Only meant one thing: I probably didn't get in. My heart started to beat really fast. I looked at it for a while before gathering the strength to open it.

I finally opened it. I skimmed over the letter.

Dear Ella,
Thank you for your application to Johns Hopkins... We have tons of applicants each year....We regret to inform you...

And like that, I felt like all my hopes and dreams had died.

"I didn't get in," I said handing Harry the letter. 

" What?" He replied as he read over the letter.

" It's whatever," I responded. I was really trying not to cry. Harry put the letter down and gave me a hug.

" They don't deserve you, Ella," Harry said trying to comfort me.

"It is easy for you to say since they accepted you," I replied. I couldn't help, but come off as mad.

"I only applied to be with you," Harry responded.

"I just don't think it's fair that's all," I said, " I really wanted to go and you didn't even..."

"I'm really sorry Ella, but I don't think it's fair that you're trying to put some blame on me," Harry replied. He was trying not to get mad. " I wasn't part of the admissions committee. If I could give you my spot I would, but that is not how things work. Who cares if I got in. I'm not going to go there anyways. Screw Hopkins! Besides they are not the only school you applied to. You still have 3 more schools to hear back from."

"I know," I replied. " I was just hoping that they accepted me. I'm really sorry Harry. I didn't mean to put the blame on you. "

" It's okay. I know you are just upset. All the schools you applied to are really good so don't worry about it," he replied.

I decided to spend some time alone after our argument. Harry was right. After a couple of weeks, I heard back from Stanford, Harvard, and Princeton. To my surprise, I got in. The funny thing is that I thought I would have a choice in going where I wanted. But just like Harry, my choice was guided by where he was going. Out of all the schools, we both applied to. We only had two in common: Princeton and Stanford. We decided to stay with what was familiar. Things were good here. Change was not so good, in our minds. Change was sometimes scary.