Anagapesis

Zaddie

Sabi nila you'll all learn from your past relationships. I do agree to that saying, I've had shitty but also good past relationships though some weren't exactly called as relationship but lets just say they were... If those experiences never happened in the past then I wouldn't be where I am today, so I am thankful for all the shit I've been through. This is why I consider Marilyn Monroe's quote "I believe that everything happens for a reason...." as such a meaningful quote I've ever applied in my life.

If I could still have the chance to talk to them, I would but I'm not ready yet. Ang dami kung gustong sabihin sa kanila noon at ngayon pero mahirap talaga kasi what if ayaw na nila akong kausapin, what if it wasn't a big deal to them back then? So many what if's pero what I'm doing right now is my choice. I may not be ready to face them pero alam ko na ang gusto kung sabihin sa kanila.

Kahit matagal na yun' I still regret a lot of things and may something sa akin na gusto ko silang makausap but I can't seem to do so kasi nga what if ayaw na nilang pagusapan? You may be thinking na "Diba atleast you tried?" but i'm scared and that even If I tried will never make me feel any less better kasi lumabas na eh, alam ko na ang sagot and it will hurt me and I'd have to pretend I'm fine all over again.

So maybe until I'm not ready yet I would just think na they're gonna read this na sinusulat ko to para sa kanila when I know there is only a small chance they'll see this pero as long as mailabas ko to' magiging magaan na din ang loob ko.

Even though naka move on na ako and I'm much more happier and better, memories don't just disappear some part of me regret na bakit hindi nalang ako naging honest? na why was I always stopping myself na bakit ba ang laki laki ng pride ko? I failed. Siguro if I never tried to be with them probably mag kakaibigan parin kami ngayon. Pero tanggap ko na ang lahat kasi not everything in life would always go your way. It's about acceptance kasi pag tanggap mo na then you can move forward.

I lose friendships but some part of me is thankful for that kasi if I still tried to force them back to my life then probably I would still be stuck in the past. Hindi ako magiging ganito ngayon na sobrang happy and peaceful kung pinilit ko pa nun pero I still wanna make this to tell them the things na hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanila noon at kahit ngayon. A little project for myself to finally forgive and let go of everything that happened in the past.

Zaddie, Zaddie Sartory ang pangalan ko and I'm currently in high school. Though I grew up without a father I have a very loving mother, sobrang lucky ako na siya ang naging nanay ko. May isa din akong kuya, Zie Sartory.

Syempre mapapa-tanong kayo na isang high school student tapos may ka echosan pang nalalaman, well I'm in age of growing and realizing stuff so stfu, Marites.

Though I can get stuff I need and eat food I crave it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows in my life besides all that I am still grateful for having a place to stay, having food to eat, and a loving family. I never forget how thankful I am to God. I'm not spoiled, everything I own is always something I would use and cherish kahit mga second hand lagi phones ko but still thankful kasi atleast may cellphone and simple shopee order can brighten up my day na nga haha. I also save money if I can.

What I mean about "it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows," is that I've always been alone my whole life. I'd always have a hard time making friends since I'm an introverted person and that they said I have an intimidating aura or in Tagalog maldita look. So I wasn't approachable at all... I'd only have atleast one friend every year kasi nagkataon lang na naging friends kami... but then next year we wouldn't talk again since we aren't classmates anymore:/

My mom has work and that she works late night shifts too, she's a doctor that explains why but I understand and hindi ko naman ka close yung kapatid ko because were different, we fight a lot kaya ganon din.

But enough of that I don't really want to get into detail with my life but I was just proving how lonely I am. I would blame my personality na bakit kasi ang hiyain ko and I would also blame my looks na I wouldn't look maldita if I just smiled a lot. I don't smile a lot because what's making me smile? hirap ngumiti ng pilit.

Takot din ako sa lahat, I'm afraid of people, places, judgement, guys, basically I'm scared to face the world out there. Maybe naging masyadong komportable ako sa buhay ko na I failed to teach myself to be independent out there because I didn't have to worry and rush kasi nandyan naman si mama at kuya ko kaya ganon. I couldn't relate to my other friends, family parang ang lucky ko nga, I am but I am still willing to learn what's out there. Ayokong magdepende lagi sa pamilya ko. I also wanna learn to depend on my own and overcome struggles without anyone helping me.

Hopefully someday, I can overcome all the struggles I feel in my life without blaming myself and find peace as I look forward through that journey.

_________________________

Anyways this book isn't for me but for all the guys I failed to keep in my life and that hopefully doing this was a good choice.

I really prefer you read this without any judgement and curiosity, I just wanna share this so that if everyone experienced the same thing will make them feel that they're not alone and that a lot of people also experience these in their life. I hope you read with an open mind and respect, thank you.