Crossing the Line

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

August 7

Hermione was exhausted. Physically and emotionally. Physically because she couldn't sleep last night. No matter how tired she was she tossed and turned all night. It was as if no matter what position she laid in, the bed and herself were not comfortable. Even tonight she was restless. It had gotten to the point where she was no longer able to keep her eyes shut. Her mind flashing back to her encounter with Snape. His words struck a chord with her. Hence her emotional exhaustion.

Despite her attempt to not let him see the effect his words had on her. She still ended up crying all last night. She restrained herself while in his presence but the moment she slammed the door behind her the tears became uncontrollable. Streaming endlessly. Luckily it was late at night that no one saw her as she made her way to the bathroom. When she looked in the mirror she was appalled at what she saw. Red rimmed eyes. Blotchy and wet stained cheeks. Just thinking about how he made her cry made her lip wobble. Even her hair responded to her distress seemingly to frizz up and tangle itself. Making her frustrated at the attempt to brush it. Eventually, she gave up and went to bed after aggressively brushing her teeth. Hoping for sleep to soothe her. And yet sleep evaded her. Her mind raced along with her heart. All night those words swam throughout her head. Digging into her brain and heart with pain.

She couldn't exactly say that he was wrong about what he said about her. The things he said were all true and were things she had accepted a long time ago. Her insecurities and flaws have made their appearances over the years and she has handled them with the most amount of grace anyone could have. None of them were irrational or silly. It was perfectly normal to have fears and doubts. But having him throw those things at her in such a way as to insult her and upset her. To make her feel weak and inadequate. That was what truly hurt. His need to hurt her. He wanted to cause her pain. And unfortunately, he succeeded. She knew she had been too forward with her personal thoughts of the man. It had been too direct and invasive for a student to voice such an opinion to her professor. His private boundaries were crossed by her and he had every right when looking back to feel violated. But he had no right to make her cry. No person had that right. He took his own liberties with his opinion and observations just as she had. The only difference was that she saw the good in him and he only saw, not necessarily the bad but simply the vulnerable parts of her.

He was also right about himself. Who was she to determine his character by the little bits of information she had to go on. He was her professor, not her friend. The only thing she could truly say she knew about the man was his name, age and that he was a death eater. One of the bad guys. He did the wrong things. More than wrong if what he said about murder and torture was correct. It should have bothered her more. The idea of standing right next to and being taught for the last six years by a murderer should have been more daunting. And yet for some reason, it wasn't. Maybe because after everything she had been through she wasn't the same stickler for the rules as she was when she first entered Hogwarts. Sure brewing an illegal potion and using a time-turner to go and rescue an escaped prisoner could be considered against the law. But that was vastly different than murder. But from a certain perspective, it was all done for a good cause. He did some of it for the order.

Everything wasn't black and white anymore. It never was.

Severus Snape did horrible things. He made all of the wrong choices and yet he is standing here with the order trying to bring down the same Lord he swore to serve. Risking his life to save others. She didn't think he was still a true death eater. Striving to serve Voldemort and torture and kill anyone that gets in his way for power. No, he didn't believe in those things. Maybe he did when he was around 16 years old. Still just a mere child. But now as an adult, he couldn't possibly. She could see it in his eyes when he snapped at her. The guilt. The pain masked behind shards of glass. Severus Snape wasn't the villain in this story but he was far from being a hero. He was shades of greys and some days it fluctuated from steel to charcoal.