Crossing the Line

Chapter 7

Sep 28- Oct 5

Severus Snape was and always will be a self-proclaimed pessimist. He expected the worse and with the life he lived, it was no wonder. Everything that could go wrong in his life usually did and he never met a single person that didn't let him down. Even Dumbledore, a man he admired and respected and now trusted in his adult life, he used to resent. Because he too failed him like everyone else. But his failure was different from the others and much easier to forgive after the first few years. As Headmaster he should have seen how he was going down a darker path while as a teenager. It was no secret that he was involved in the dark arts in his youth. Everyone knew it and he didn't exactly try to hide it. He should have said something or done anything to stop him but instead, he was left all alone.

He was always left alone.

It wasn't always his choice. Most often of the time, he kept to himself and didn't speak to anyone. Even during his childhood, he was reclusive. A lot of that was due to his scraggly appearance and ripped-up clothes. Not to mention that the bruises he often wore courtesy of his father made people believe he was a delinquent. A thought that had continued into adulthood. Though most would no longer describe him as a delinquent but rather a full-fledged criminal. They were in their right mind to assume so.

But now as an adult, it was hard to connect with someone with shared life experiences with his unique resume. At least with the other members of the order, he was connected by the same goal and for some their previous experience fighting in the last war. At least those he didn't find truly annoying and useless. The members of the order he got along with well enough consisted of the shortlist of Dumbledore, Kingsley Shacklebolt, even Bill Weasley on occasion. He could tolerate Lupin and Tonks but the rest could bugger off for all he cared. Then there was the staff. Despite the open hostilities between their houses he and Minerva were quite good friends. He knew she worried about him. And his increasingly deteriorating health. But she knew not to cuddle him. Then there was Madam Pomphrey and if it wasn't her duty to heal him he would consider her as a friend as well. Though he got along well with Flitwick he knew the man feared him.

The only person he could honestly say that he got along with and could consider a friend if it wasn't for her status as a student was Hermione Granger.

He summoned her down to the lab one evening. Even though it was around 3 in the morning. He couldn't sleep a recurring theme over the last several days. He hadn't been summoned in a while and the anticipation was getting to him. He knew the longer it took the higher chance of him getting punished was. The worry was starting to make a physical appearance. He always seemed to be in a physical state of exhaustion and always had bags under his eyes. No matter how hard he hid them behind glamours he could still see them. He was too tired to give detentions during class opting to simply take away points.

The students weren't any wiser to his odd behaviour. Hermione Granger on the other hand did notice even though she never said anything. When he snapped at her more than usual she didn't talk back as she normally would. She simply left him to figure things out on his own. He didn't know if he was grateful for the silence or would have preferred her to say something. He didn't know anymore what he wanted.

Everything was swirling around him in an uncontrollable storm. He lost any semblance of control and he was spiralling. He was drowning and was desperately trying to swim up for air. But he didn't even know which way was up and down. He found himself second-guessing every decision he made and analyzing every decision he ever made. He tried to escape his head by throwing himself into his work. He only slept when the exhaustion took over and only then it was for a couple of hours. The rest of the time he was teaching, working to defeat the Dark Lord, and brewing. If his duties as a spy didn't take over. He was doing anything he could to stay distracted that he often forgot to even eat. It wasn't healthy but he didn't know what to do. He couldn't think straight. He couldn't see through the fog.