When We Were Young (Twilight)

Chapter 16

Petition for Divorce

The words replay over and over in my head. It's warm and sunny; completely out of the ordinary for a regular Forks day. It does nothing to help my mood.

I find myself in front of the one person who can offer me any clarity.

"I feel like I've been lost for so long." I sigh and look ahead. "I don't know what to do without you."

I stare at the dark grey stone, tracing the letters of the headstone: Chief Charlie Swan. Father. Protector.

"I know I made a mistake when I pushed Edward away, when I needed him the most." I pause. "I want to be so angry at you. I also just want you to tell me what to do."

I shake my head and let out a humorless laugh. "I didn't even give him a chance to explain. How could you put him in that position? Of course, he was going to listen to you."

It occurs to me that if anyone sees me, I'll look like a lunatic talking to a grave.

"I might have really lost him. I think this is it."

For only a stack of papers, the envelope feels like it weighs a million pounds.

Edward signed the papers in his thin, neat script. I sat in the cafe for as long as I could before I decided to leave. The air was thick and watching him walk away from me again really did hurt.

Divorce.

"Is this what he really wants? Is it time to set him free?"

He gave no indication of what he wanted me to do.

"And okay, things with him were strained when we got to Spain, so it isn't completely your fault." If Charlie were here, his mustache would twitch. "We sucked at communicating. I guess I get that from you."

Charlie was a man of little words, but in my head, I can hear him, loud and clear: Fight for what you want, kid.

So maybe it's time that I do.

"Thanks for the talk, Dad," I say, getting up and giving his stone one last glance.

—

"You should eat something," Rose says, watching me. I refused to go back to Charlie's, so I'm on her sofa.

I shake my head, ignoring her raised eyebrows. "I'm not hungry."

My phone rings again, and I ignore that, too. Part of me knows that I need to talk to Edward, but now isn't the time. I honestly don't know when that will be.

"You should talk to him."

Her words cause me to snap.

"You know what I should do? Stop letting everyone dictate what I do. Just stop, please."

She fixes her blue eyes on me, but I ignore her.

"According to Em..." she begins, because ignoring her has never worked. "I'm supposed to walk on eggshells around you right now. I can't imagine how you're feeling but, Bella, stop taking it on the people who just want the best for you."

"The people who want the best for me..." I say slowly, like I've never heard those words before. "Those people should have told me what was going on and let me decide what to do on my own."

I say it loud, angry, and it's the first time I remember feeling anything but numb for the last two days. The front door opens, and from my place on the couch I watch Em walk in. I told him to make any arrangements he wanted and to just tell me when to show up.

I don't want to see the sad look in his eyes or the way he's been watching me, afraid I'll pass out again or actually lose my mind.

I stand up and walk to Rose's spare room. As I'm walking, I hear her say, "She's being so fucking difficult."

I slam the door harder than necessary and fall onto the bed.

A few minutes pass before I hear a knock on the door. "Bella, can I come in?" Em asks.

"As long as you're alone."

He walks in, and none of his usual humor or mischief that he had growing up is there. He's grown up, and it doesn't hit me until now. He looks so much like Charlie, tall with his dark hair.

"Services are in a few days."

"When?" I ask.

"Thursday," he says.

I nod. I figured it would be soon.

He pauses to look at me. "All he ever wanted was for you to be happy. You do know that, right?"

"Yeah." I can't seem to find any of the anger I felt earlier.

He stands and regards me in a way that Charlie used to. "I... don't punish Edward for too long, okay? He's beating himself up."

He's gone before I can reply and tell him to butt out.

The next few days go by in a blur and before I know it, there are so many people who show up to honor and remember Charlie. I lose count on how many times I say, 'thank you for coming.' I cling to Emmett, knowing he's there for me no matter what. The Xanax I took helps to keep the edge off.

When I see Edward approach, I turn the other way. I don't know what to say to him, and this isn't the time to worry about him or us.

It isn't until we make our way to the cemetery that I give up. I don't have to look up to know that Edward stands next to me, close enough that his pinky finds mine.

I have to remind myself to breathe. As they lower his casket into the ground, all the air rushes out but gets caught in my throat.

Edward and I stand next to each other as everyone leaves.

I don't know how long we stand there, but eventually Edward tells Em he'll bring me home. We make our way to the car, and the quiet does nothing to help the tension.

He pulls into a spot next to Rose's car and turns off the engine.

"Bella."

It's soft but weary, and a part of me can't blame him. I finally look at him.

"I never... if I knew..." I watch him shake his head, and his eyes find mine as I say: "It doesn't matter."

"I really am sorry, baby." His hand tangles with mine and for a split second I don't pull away.

All of my emotions from the last few days snowball and before I know it, I do pull away.

"It doesn't matter because there's nothing you can say to make this better. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive you."

I watch as the relief in his eyes turns into sadness, and then finally, anger.

"I need time. I need space. I need to stay in Seattle for a while." I say, before he can reply.

"I can give you time and space, whatever you need, but please don't tell me I'm gonna lose you."

"That's not something I can tell you right now, Edward." Saying the words causes my heart to ache a little more, and tears blur my vision.

He looks away from me, rain falling softly on the windshield. I don't say anything as I open the door and exit the car.

Rain starts to fall faster as I walk away, and by the time I look out of the window, Edward is gone.