Someone in the Crowd

Chapter 17

I stared at the empty night sky by the window, already tired of the nonstop crying, as my tears had already dried on my cheeks.

Walang buwan. Walang ni isang bituin. Everything was dark and meaningless... just like Nolan's long-hour absence.

Hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin siyang paramdam sa akin. He never texted me... called me since that rainy afternoon.

Bakit?

Magkasama pa rin ba sila ni Myrtle hanggang ngayon? Are they both lying on a twin bed, cuddling each other at this late hour for the sake of comfort?

It felt like my heart was being smashed by some pounds of force just by the thought of it. It bled and bled more until the pain caused by it had already been tugging at the nerves at the back of my eye, as if asking for help.

And here I am, helplessly drowning in my own tears again.

Katatapos ko lang mag-shower upang makapaglinis sana ng katawan kanina pero nadudumihan na naman ako sa bawat pagluha ko. I scrubbed every part of me... washed every dirt off of me. It was two hours of me making my body clean despite the cold the rain had caused. But it won't wash out and go down the drain no matter how hard I try—the pain.

Why does that one fucking lie hurt?

In the end, I just closed my tired eyes with my folded arms, now being my pillow on the table in front of my room's window. And I just fell asleep with the haunting thought disguised as a shadow entity that never left my side.

It took me less than an hour to wake up again. My mind won't really let me sleep longer. My body restricted me, also.

Nang damdamin ko ang katawan ko ay nalaman kong tumaas nga ang temperatura nito. Ramdam ko rin ang pamamaga ng aking kabuuan lalong-lalo na ang mga braso kong ginawa kong sandalan at ang nangangawit kong mga buto sa aking likuran. At habang hirap na hirap kong inaangat ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pagtulak ko sa ibabaw ng mesa ay nagkandahulog-hulog nga ang bawat butil ng pawis na nakadikit sa aking noo.

It was too selfless of me when I chose to pay attention to my inactive phone first instead of hydrating and taking medications the moment I successfully sat in the right position. At nang paganahin ko na ang telepono ay mabilisang tumama ang nakasisilaw nitong liwanag sa mga mata kong kabubukas pa lamang.

But instead of the blinding blue light, my eyes itched, now hurt, because of the empty notification box.

Pakiramdam ko ay parang mas piniga pa ang puso kong durog-durog na nga kanina. It was like I had become a double-dead meat. Gusto kong umiyak dahil sa naramdamang sakit pero mukhang pagod na ang mga mata ko sa katitiis sa kaalatan ng mga luha kong kanina lang din bumagsak.

It felt like keeping the bottling emotions inside me was the only option left. And it was countless torture. It felt like multiple deaths.

The pain piled up instantly. They tried to get out of my sealed container as some anger in disguise.

Sa estado kong iyon ay pilit kong isinara ang aking telepono at saka ko iyon ibinagsak sa sahig, hindi na inalintana pa ang maaaring pagkakabasag nito.

Pagkatapos ko maglabas ng galit ay sinubukan ko namang ligawin ang sarili palayo sa pinaghalo-halong lungkot, galit, at inggit. Hanggang sa pati ang mga paa ko ay gusto na ring maligaw.

My lower body was still not strong enough to carry my weight, but I tried so hard to be careful while I walked downstairs. Ang bawat paghakbang ko ay katumbas ng mahigpit kong pagkakakapit sa railings ng aming hagdan. At kahit na nahihirapan akong bumalanse ay pinatitigas ko naman ang nanginginig kong mga paa upang hindi ako mahulog at makagawa pa ng ingay.