I Can't Go Back

chapter 6 - benegby and not so benegby

This is nothing_in_between_ 's bday present for 2 days ago. Hope you enjoy sis!!

⚠️Trigger Warning: Anorexia, hospitals,⚠️

Emelie's POV:

I climbed out of bed at 5. Ready for workout.

I grabbed some shorts and a sports bra from the new clothes I bought a couple days back, shoved them on, before scraping my hair up in a ponytail.

I then wake up Viv so we can go work out.

She scrambles into some leggings and a sports bra, ties her hair back. We then head down to the dance studio.

We work out til Ju walks in and tells us that we need to eat breakfast.

I shower first, change into some leggings and a sports bra. I then head out on a run, leaving a note on my bed to say that I'm on a run.

As I run the streets of London I feel benegby. It's a beautiful feeling.

I get a call from Viv while I'm running, so I answer it, "What?" I ask, still running. "Ju is worried. She thinks you are going to pass out. Basically, get your ass here before she calls the police because she is worried." I sigh, "I mean I'm about an hour away from The Orphanage. If I push it, I can make it in half an hour. I'll be fine." I hear a sigh at the other end, "Ok, fine. Just don't be late." I nod, "Yup, ok." I then end the call and run to The Orphanage as fast as I can, making it in just under half an hour.

I walk in. "Hi!" I yell. Viv appears, "That's quicker than you said." I shrug it off. "Imma grab some water from the kitchen!" I yell at Ju before walking into the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

The world spins before my eyes. I fall. My head hits something sharp. That's the last thing I remember before blacking out. So much for feeling benegby.

I wake up in an ambulance. Great.

Viv is next to me, Ju is sat with us, and a paramedic is also sat here.

"Hi, I'm Sam." She smiles. I go to nod, "Don't move your neck sweetie. Can you speak instead." She asks, "Sure." I reply. "Ok, well, what happened then?" She asks, I roll my eyes, "I went on a run this morning, Ju wanted me back fast, so I ran back. The run should been an hour, but I ran as fast as I could because Julie wanted me back, so I made it in less than half an hour." I say, "Then I went to grab a glass of water from the kitchen and passed out." I say calmly. Sam writes that all down, "And did you do any other exercise this morning?" I nod, "Um, I did a three hour workout before that." She notes that down, "Did you have anything to eat or drink?" I share a glance with Viv, then nod, "I had an apple." Sam notes that down. Then we must pull up at the hospital because the doors of the ambo are opened and they wheel me in.

I am put in HDC and some doctors check me over. I need stitches for the cut on my head. They take some bloods and general Obs. I wait with Viv while the results come back.

I eventually manage to convince her that we should watch a Vicki Manser live. I mean, this took little convincing.

Anyway, so we are watching that when the doctor called Alicia walks in, "Hi, so I've had a look over your bloods and scans etc etc. You don't have any concussions etc. But I am worried about the levels of Iron, calcium, protein, magnesium, and some other long chemical names you womt understand." I nod, "Which all point to anorexia. Of course, we are going to have to do a few more tests, but it would be a lot quicker if you were honest." I nod. She smiles, "First thing, have you been eating recently?" I shake my head. She scribbled that down, "What was the last thing you ate?" I shrug, "Maybe a bite of sandwich a couple nights ago." She scribbled that down, "How long ago did you have a full proper meal, and keep it down?" I shrug, "I genuinely don't know. Depends what you class as a full meal anyway. I never had those all my life. My mother never let me have anything like her and my brother. They died a couple nights ago. Hense why I'm in the orphanage now. Um, yh. So to be honest. I have no idea. I haven't eaten much in ages. And why would I?" I blurt out, spilling out everything that has been on my mind for the last few years. Alicia put down the clipboard and sat next to me, "Hey, you need to eat properly because it can effect you in a lot of ways." I sigh, "Yh, well eating makes me an even fatter bitch than I already am. I have been told how it is by my mum. You don't need to try and say anything against it. It's hopeless. I am a fat bitch and that's all I will ever be." I whisper, before curling up, and rocking myself slowly, hating myself for spilling everything.

Viv runs my back gently and Alicia held my hand loosely.

Eventually I calm down. Alicia walks out and talks to some other doctors, makes some phone calls and then walks back in.

She explains to me that I am going to be referred up to the Eating Disorder clinical, and that I have an appointment there next week. She then gets a nurse called Louise to stitch up the cut on my head before discharging me.

We get back to The Orphanage and I go to my room.

I start practicing the chords for No Way. I am acing it and am really pleased with how it's going. I start singing along with it and it works. I video me playing it as a rough guide for Collette and DMd it to her.

*Insert video*

Hey, this is a really rough idea of what it will sound like - Lee

I wait a while and in a few mins I have a reply.

Sounds amazing!! Are you singing too - Coco

Idm up to you - Lee

You sound INSANE so yes ofc - Coco

I rlly dont but thx ig - Lee

I cba to argue with u but u r - Coco

Okok - Lee

I realise the time and I am called down for food.

I walk down and sit at the table. I eat a bite of lamb and a bite of broccoli. I then drink some water and disappear from the table.

In the evening I just sing.

Then I clamber into bed and lay there. As normal.

I think over what happened today. What happened in my childhood. My life is crap. Ain't it?

Hope you enjoyed the chaos filled chapter!!

Comment what you think benegby means!!!

SIXSQUIPSIMP Knows what it means!!