Blank Slate

Chapter Thirty-Four

In which Khun tries not to cry.

Khun's POV

Khun told Bam everything, doing his level best to keep his voice steady, to keep the tears out of his eyes. For the most part, he did pretty well.

"Maria was the daughter of a lady who was very close to my mother. She was very kind and smart, and we quickly became friends. She played the viola, and my older sister played the cello, so we played music together. We were inseparable, my mom said. And we were. We were best friends. Ah, excuse me."

Khun took a moment to steady his breathing. He then felt Bam put his hand on his. The corners of Khun's mouth lifted ever so slightly.

He continued. "My sister was severely mentally ill. She suffered from major depressive episodes and anxiety attacks on a more-than-regular basis. She took so many pills a day, just so her mind didn't kill her. And, as kind as Maria was, she couldn't understand this. She thought my sister was seeking attention. So she never offered her help to my sister. She even openly talked about how annoying my sister was. Eventually, this got to my sister and she. . . Well, she killed herself. In the bathroom that we shared.

"You know, I wish I had done something back then. My sister, even though she had Maria and I, she was very lonely. And scared and sad. If I had been more helpful, she wouldn't have died that night." He sighed. "Anyway, Maria then changed her plan, I guess. My sister was out of the picture, so we spent more and more time together, mostly with music or homework. Ahem, pardon me."

Khun took a shaky breath. He released Bam's hand so he could wipe the tears that threatened to fall down his cheek.

"Maria knew I blamed myself. So she blamed me, too. Well, not really. She just encouraged me to blame myself. She told me I had been a very bad brother, but that she loved and accepted me anyway. And it worked. I fell into a depressive slump that lasted years, Bam. And, sometime during that time, Maria took full advantage of me. Including my. . . body."

Bam took a sharp breath.

"Maria moved to the States when I turned fifteen. I haven't seen her since then. It's been almost three years now." He let out a cold laugh. "It's kind of pathetic. Of me, I mean. I think I can let it go, and I pretend to, but. . ."

Bam didn't let him continue. In less than a second, he was out of his seat, hugging Khun, squeezing him tightly.

"Bam-"

Bam shushed him and just kept hugging him. And they stayed like this for a couple minutes, Khun eventually relaxing into Bam's touch.

Bam then reluctantly pulled away and looked Khun in the eyes. He had been silently crying. Khun almost laughed. They sat outside of one of the most prestigious balls in Japan, wearing the nicest clothes either one had probably ever worn, and, hell, they were even wearing wigs and makeup. And they were crying.

They stared into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity. Maybe it had been an eternity. The world could've ended right then, and Khun was absolutely positive that he wouldn't have even cared, as long as his last moments were spent like this.

Bam blinked, blushed, and looked away all in one smooth movement. He took a deep inhale and looked back at Khun.

"Khun. . ."

His eyes. God, his eyes. They looked so pleading, almost sad.

"Bam?"

Bam looked around, anywhere but at Khun. He seemed so worried, so uncomfortable.

"Khun, can I. . . Can I kiss you?"