Chasing After You

Wednesday Night Confessions

Tonight Liz and I are packing, we aren't packing a lot of things but we don't want to wait until the last minute.
"I saw you talking to Sean on Sunday. You thought I forgot? What did you two talk about?" Liz asks
"You saw us? I thought we were invisible" I say
"Very funny, Elle"
"Well, I come from a funny family" I say eyeing her
Liz rolls her eyes "We have a conversation pending, but first tell me what you and Sean talked about on Sunday"
"Nothing, he wanted to say hi and asked me if I was going to YAS" I say while folding my clothes and putting them in my suitcase. I let out a small sigh.
"Do I really need a suitcase?" I asked Liz
"No. You can go with whatever you want. A suitcase is just easier to carry so I recommend it"
"Ugh, packing is terrible"
"Don't be lazy Elle" Liz says.
She's always the optimistic one, the one who's always in a good mood and always cracking a joke. Everyone loves sweet and lovely Liz.
Before I say anything, Liz motions me to sit next to her on the bed "Let's talk about Josh."
I take a deep breath and sit next to her. Josh.
"You know my story with Josh" Liz nods yes.
I'm 19 and when I was 15 I started dating. Liz told me I was too young to be in the dating scene but I didn't care because I felt loved by a cute guy. His name was Josh, he was the charming type, although not very popular, he was loved by everyone and I felt special because he noticed me. We dated for 2 years but my parents didn't know and Josh was quite happy about that. I had to beg Liz not to tell mom and dad about my relationship with Josh, and the fact that Josh was an atheist did not please Liz at all. Josh treated me well in the beginning, but after he became more popular I was just one of his bros, he did not give me the place that I deserved as his girlfriend and that crushed my self esteem because I really thought that he loved me and my self confidence came from his love. He didn't even break up with me, I just saw him making out with a random girl in the cafeteria. We never had a closure, that's what hurts me more. I am walking with an opened wound and I can't afford to hurt it again.

"Josh hurt me" I said, "I trusted him and loved him and he betrayed me. I'm afraid of being betrayed again. I'm afraid of getting hurt again Liz. And Sean...."
"Sean what" asked Liz
"I can't let him in. I can't let him love me."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm broken"
I explained my feelings and emotions to Liz and she listened. I appreciate that she just sat there and paid attention to me. She didn't dismiss my feelings, she let me express my pain.
"I'm sorry you're hurting Elle but I can't believe you didn't tell me all this before" Liz takes my hand, "you know you can count on me for anything, right?". I nod as she finished her sentence and tears are running down my cheeks. I should have told her earlier but I'm still hurting so it's hard to open up.
"Thanks for everything Liz, I knew you would be useful one day" I said chuckling
"Shut up" Liz says as she hug me tightly.
"You know, the Scripture that says we love because He loved us first?"
"I don't remember where in The Bible it is" I say
Liz grabs her Bible and she starts looking. "Ah there it is, 1 John 4:19. You should study it and memorize it. Start in verse 7 and on to verse 21."
"I really need to know how to love again"
"Well you first have to know His love first."
We wrapped up as we continue to talk about the Scriptures and I can't help but feel grateful for a sister like Liz.