Percy Jackson Fanfics

emotions aren't meant to be bottled

Title: emotions aren’t meant to be bottled
Author: marilyst marilyst
Site: Archive of Our Own
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30684740

Who loves some angst and good bro Jason? That's right this girlll

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It was about three o’ clock in the morning when the emotions and terrors started rolling into Percy’s mind. Tonight was the first night that he and Annabeth were in different cabins. Piper wanted to have a “girls night” with Annabeth and Hazel, and he knew that it might relieve some of the Tartarus tension from Annabeth, so he talked her into going. Afterall, it was one night alone, how hard could it be?

Per usual, it didn’t go well.

It started off when the hours began getting later and later into the night. He was supposed to be sleeping and preparing for whatever tomorrow brought in Olympia, their next destination. They had to capture Nike, the goddess of victory, to somehow help heal the rift between the Greek and Roman gods.

If anything, Percy was not looking forward to it. He just wanted a break from all the chaos, even if the long term reward was victory. He was tired of constantly being stressed and dealing with the constant emotions, flashbacks, and anger that swam through his head. He was tired of being the hero that miraculously saved the world and was always happy no matter what.

Truth was, that wasn’t him. He hated being the hero now. It brought him more pain than it did satisfaction.

He sat on his bed and hugged his knees, rocking back and forth. The salt lamp on his desk did not help relax him like Frank promised him it would earlier; the reddish orange glow it emitted reminded him too much of the hell he’d endured. His mind begged for him to turn it off, but he felt himself frozen on his bed. The flashbacks assaulted his mind with unforgettable images of his greatest fears now: Annabeth becoming blind and pleading his name, believing that he had abandoned her, him choking Akhlys with her own poison and feeling that glass ball shatter within him, his own girlfriend being terrified of him and begging him to stop, Bob and Damasen sacrificing themselves so he and Annabeth could escape, as well as all the other horrors that he had witnessed down there.

He started shaking uncontrollably and began to sob, fat tears beginning to fall down his scraped cheeks. He wanted to scream out right now, but he simply couldn’t; his throat felt like it was closing in on itself. He missed when he didn’t have to deal with all this trauma, though he couldn’t remember life before he had it. It wasn’t fair, he wanted to yell, it’s never fair! He sobbed harder now, everything he had so desperately bottled up was now flooding out.

He missed his mom and Paul, camp, and when he wasn’t this broken and beat up kid. He hated who he was and what he’d done in the pit. He hated being a pawn. He hated constantly acting strong and never having time to express his emotions properly. He knew he had PTSD and was suffering greatly from it, but he was a demigod, and demigods can’t afford to work it out. They had to ignore it as best they could or they’d be killed.

But is dying that bad, Percy found himself thinking, I could be forever at peace in Elysium.

He pondered it for a little bit, wanting to fish his hand into his pocket to find Riptide to do the honors now and end the suffering, but a little voice within him spoke up.

What about Annabeth and the future you have planned with her? What about your friends? Your parents? Your home? They’re all in danger.

The thought kept him away from the suicide tempation, but it escalated his emotions. He hugged himself tighter and tucked his head into his chest, trying to become as small as possible. He tried to battle the evil thoughts with happy memories, but they were easily overthrown. The bad kept coming back. He felt himself become soaked with tears, he felt his jaw clench and his body shake, he felt the glass ball inside him begin to shatter once more. The dulled edges were starting to become more and more jagged again. He felt like he was starting to lose himself.