Percy Jackson Fanfics

Tears on a balcony

Title: Tears on a balcony
Author: knifelady
Site: Archive of Our Own
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27836599

TW: survivors guilt, Smoking addiction, past child abuse, suicidal thoughts, mention of self harm

The ending is hopeful though if that helps

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Percy was alone.

His eyes were glazed over as he stared at the fluorescent city lights, at the city that never sleeps. It was a city of wide avenues and small places to sit and eat, to relax as folk went about their day. There were the sky towers in the centre, which was once thousands of homes now took up less ground space than an old shopping mall. The rest was parks, a chance to walk among nature or enjoy the trails on bicycles or horseback. Percy watched people, at midnight no less, walk the streets with determination. Walking to their houses to see their loved ones or drunks walking to the nearest bar. He wonders if they knew that everything was meaningless. What’s the point? You’re only here to die, then its eternity walking the fields of Asphodel.

His thoughts were blank. Well, not blank exactly. But clear. What a strange occurrence. Normally his thoughts were twisting and turning. Suffocating him with their whispers about the war he faced. Sixteen and he led people to their deaths. Michael, Silena, Beckendorf. All his fault. But now...Percy’s not sure.

Percy let out a sigh, face eerily neutral as he reached into his jacket. He pulled out a small box of toxic sticks that were more dangerous than riptide. Could there be anything more pathetic than an addiction? He’s faced death and wars but the thing he can’t control is a little tube of nicotine. Percy pulled out a cigarette. He stuck it in the corner of his mouth and lit it up shakily; his hand was shielding the small flame from the harsh November wind.

If any of the neighbours were to be watching they’d be worried. A teenage kid with his legs dangling off the side of a balcony, six stories above the ground is sure to be worrysome. They didn’t know that he couldn’t be hurt. Well, not in that way. He let out a little laugh. It wasn’t of happiness, just a chuckle of pity. Maybe for him, maybe for the ones he lost. Either way, it didn’t matter. He kicked his long legs out, wincing slightly. He and Annabeth had fought a couple of hellhounds earlier that day and, even if he couldn’t get hurt, his limbs still ached from exertion. True, Percy didn’t bruise, but with his Achilles curse, he needed much more sleep and his nightmares weren’t doing him any favours. Leaning forward a bit, his backside resting on the rusty rails of his balcony, he breathed out a puff of smoke. The smoke shifted in the air, twirling like it was performing its own beautiful dance. The odour filled Percy’s nose. It didn’t seem like too long ago when Percy was knocked about and beaten by a fat fuck of a step-dad. Percy shivered. Just thinking about that man was enough to bring up bad memories. His childhood was ripped away by abuse and his teen years taken away by wars. Coincidence or not, his whole life was full of monsters - whether mortal or not.

Percy hated smoking. He knew it was bad for him. His addiction is his new enemy, his new monster to fight and yet somehow his closest friend. Hell, it's been there for him when even his real friends weren’t there. They all thought he was fine with seeing everybody die.

Oh, yeah. It’s okay. Percy will just bounce back with his goofy and obliviousness. Nice, stupid Percy. Who can lead a war but can’t pass math.

Percy gritted his teeth and took another puff. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. ‘Smoking’, he thought, a grin goofily spreading on his face, ‘look at how far I’ve come’. He promised himself he wouldn’t become like Gabe but here he is. He physically felt sick any time he smelled the smoke and was reminded of Gabe and the torture he received from him. So why did it help? Why did it help quell the pain he felt in his chest? Why does it help him forget about all the friends he lost to the horrors of the gods?

Urgh.

The gods. Those bastards up on Olympus. The greedy assholes who expect their children to do all their dirty work.

Percy knows they have to go on these quests or else the gods will literally kill them. Smite them on the spot. Boom. You’re gone. It doesn’t matter if you’re their favourite, you’ll die nevertheless. Take Silena Beauregard. She was obviously Aphrodite’s favourite but look at where that got her.

He propped his head on his hand resting on his knee, chuckling for no reason. He didn’t find any of this funny but at least he was filling the silence.

He felt something cold approach behind him. He would get out his sword but he didn’t care. Nothing could hurt him anymore. He was numb.

“Percy…” He heard a voice sigh. “What are you doing out here?”

Percy turned his head, a grin plastered across his face. “Nico! Gods, you scared me!”

“Wh-what? Percy, what are you doing out here?”

Percy swung his legs over the railing, his back now facing the streets and the light from the apartment illuminating his droopy features. “Is it bad to say that I have no clue.” He snorted. “Just drinkin’ in the sights.”

Nico narrowed his eyes, suspicion creeping into his expression.
“What is up with you?”

“Nothing,” he sighed, swaying around a bit. “I just had some things on my mind and so I came out here.” Percy mimicked his expression: brooding anger.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you. I-I had a feeling”
“Well, you can go. I’m perfectly fine.”
“Well…” Nico said, climbing over the railing to sit next to Percy. “What are you thinking about? It must be...heavy if you’re out here at three am.”
Percy snorted. “Yeah...heavy.”

Percy got up, sticking his arms out like a tightrope walker and went along the edge.
“Percy. You’re not thinking straight. Get down from there.”
"It’s fine," Percy mumbled, clenching his fists.
“Percy get down now. Please.
“Back off.
“Percy, just come down! You’re going to get yourself killed!”
“I have a fucking curse Nico, I can’t die.”
“GET DOWN!”
“Why?” Percy spun around, “I can’t fall to my death or anything! I can’t even fucking cut myself!” He paused, “I can manage. Please, just leave me alone.”

Silence.

Percy was still walking back and forth but with less childlike humour and more adult-like pacing.
Nico let out a short breath. “You...haven’t tried to do anything, right? Like... self-harm wise.”
“No. I’m not suicidal. If that’s what you’re asking.”
He turned around. Green eyes bored into black. “And I know where my weak spot is. So if I wanted to...you know...off myself, then I could.”

Nico sat there, mouth slightly open. It scared him that a demigod like him, probably the most powerful in history, was on his way to self-destruction. It unnerved him that it seemed like he had that answer rehearsed. Did Annabeth know? Gods, no she couldn’t. He wouldn’t have gotten this far if she knew. Sally and Paul obviously didn’t know. They wouldn’t let their son smoke on a balcony in the middle of the night. In the end, Nico knew that Percy was right. After all, he was the one who brought Percy to the Styx. But the remark about him cutting himself. Why does he seem disappointed? Why does Percy sound like it’s a bad thing that he can’t hurt himself?

“Percy, you need to get to bed. It’s, Hades, what day is it? Monday, now? You’re still in school, right?”
“Hades, can’t believe I’m letting a thirteen-year-old look after me.”
“Technically 78.”
Nico grabbed Percy’s wrist, pulling him down from the railing.
“Off to bed. Don’t make me call Annabeth.”

Percy turned to Nico once they were both back in his bedroom, blue sheets twisted from Percy’s nightmare. Although Percy knew Nico would never admit it, he needs hugs as much as anyone does. Without another word, Percy wrapped his arms around the considerably smaller boy. In Percy’s opinion, in his mother's arms, he was as safe as he will ever be. He doesn’t need to worry about monsters or his unprotected Achilles spot. Just his mom in front. He was safe as the paranoia and fear melted in his chest like icecream in July. In his mother’s embrace, he was cocooned better than any butterfly-to-be. Nico, on the other hand, was like a twig. Percy felt like he was hugging one of those skeletons he would find in his science labs at school. However, after a few moments, Percy felt Nico melt into his embrace. It was weird. In the more stable part of Percy’s brain, he thought that Nico was supposed to be comforting him but he knew they both needed a hug as much as each other.

Hugging Percy, Nico remembered his mother and Bianca. A family.

Maybe everything will be okay.