lovings good till it ends

July 31, 2021

"start at the beginning" they say, but what is the beginning?

Is it when i was born?

when all of this messed up shit started to fuck with all the good?

Or could it be right now, as im sitting in my bed thinking and thinking about my life and how i want it to be so much different then it is but never stop and look at what i have around me?

Or maybe its the end, where i finally say my final goodbyes and let my mind swallow me whole?

Maybe its what i will imagine my life to be like as i close my eyes and let the black abyss that is sleeping and dreaming and getting what ever you want?

They say to always start from the beginning but who knows what the beginning actually is. For me my new life started when i let the butter knife seep into my wrist and i kept sawing and sawing just to draw a little bit of blood.

For others its when they say 'I do' and start their own new life.

But this isn't their story, this is mine so, where going to start from when my new life begun...

As i look back on it now, it makes me cry. Thinking about what has happened to me and what i could have done differently. Thinking about all those moments when I knew that i fucked up, but you dont have the power to stop yourself because its so fun. Knowing that your not supposed to be doing something but yo do it anyway just because you can.

Or theres that moment like these, where its your last day home before you have to go to a sleep away camp. It may only be for a week but its the most freedom and the most time that i have been without any parental guidance.

Going to camp should be a blast and the best time ever but Im so fucking nervous. Im not allowed to bring my phone or anything... what if louis tomlinson drops a new single

Sometimes I just want to run away, just to escape this pathetic town that has been overpopulated with drug and vape dealers, or girls who wear shorts or bathing suits that show too much skin.

To be honest it all started here, the messed up family issues, my messed up wrist and a sister who is too conservative.

I always try and look for an descale weather that can be reading fanfics or locking myself away in my room. I always am essay from my family and not communicating, sometimes it's just too much and I actually think about running away.

But in reality, I have a good life but, I am the problem. I am the one always giving an attitude. I am the one who is always to blame. I am the one who gets yelled at about their grades yet I'm sporting over an 80 in everything. I am the one who wears "too short of a top" when I am finally confident in my own body. I don't understand what I do wrong sometimes and nobody ever stops to explain it to me.

No one ever stops to think about how I feel when they know that I have been cutting my wrist. When they are in therapy to try and help me. When they buy me in therapy to help me. And yet they still do this.

Why are parents like this. Why can't I just have parents who don't care and let me do whatever I want. Why can't my parents be more understanding, "your not alone" they always say, well it sure as fuck feels like I'm alone.

At least I don't have to see or have any type of contact with them for a week at camp. The only stuff that I brought that wasn't on the camp list was my drawing book, I love to draw. I'm pretty decent at it too.

I attached a photo the the front of this page for whoever even reads this crap (photo above)

I feel like writing is always so much easier when your writing about yourself, like I tried to write a book once and I just couldn't. But writing about yourself is like a walk on the park because I have nothing to prove. I'm just spilling my heart out to no one basically.