Trigger warnings- Eating disorders. This is not the best thing that i have ever written but it is just something that for me is ever hard to write about but it is something very important to talk about. I have written this mainly on personal experience and if you have ever experienced an ED then not everything in this may apply to you. If you have an ED and aren't seeking help please do.
I have never had a good relationship with my body. Whether that was because I didn't like my stomach or my arms, I have always found something to criticize about my body. And for most people who look at my body they find it desirable. They think that I have a great attractive body. When people call me beautiful I just can't believe them no matter how many times they tell me I just don't understand what they are talking about. I mean I have saggy skin on my arms and even a little bit of a double chin and it doesn't get me started on my stomach. The brain of my existence. I hated my body and that was the truth.
The thing with me hating my body means that my relationship with my body has never been the best either. I mean everytime i eat pizza I have to make sure that there isn't any extra grease on it and most of the time I will dab the top of it just to be sure. Or I make sure that I am not eating anything with too many calories. Calories I have always had an obsession with. I mean you could ask me about any type of food and I could tell you how many calories it has. I have always had an obsession with numbers. Keeping the number as low as possible. I sometimes am able to forget about it for just a moment but just as I think that I am getting over it I relapse and it starts all over again.
This has been going on since I was around 12 years old so I was pretty young and it shocked many people that someone at that age can have so much self-hate about themselves but I think that they don't realize as the world adapts and progresses the more that cases like mine develop and become more frequent. And I think a problem with this is that it isn't spoken about enough and when it is talked about it is just pushed to the side and then forgotten about. This means that by the time that people start to notice it's serious and that is my problem with the world.
When I started dating George I for a time got over my calorie obsession or more like I could suppress it to make it not as noticeable. For George to find out I know that he would make it more of a big deal then it needed to be. I was trying to make sure that I didn't put on any weight. But to me, I really needed to lose some weight. I mean if i gained any more pounds then he probably wouldn't probably dump me like who wants to date someone who is fat.
Getting more comfortable in the relationship I knew that I needed to keep off the weight gain as I knew that most people who got further into a relationship would get more comfortable about eating more junk food and I just wasn't going to be one of those people I needed to stay disable. I needed George to look at my body and think that I was beautiful and that meant that a little dieting was required. And this meant lowering the amount of calories that I took in. Eating less. Exercise was something. I would wake up as early in the morning as I could and head out around the castle grounds exercising. I would run many miles a day. It was all just a diet and keeping healthy there was nothing wrong with it.
George started noticing a few months into it. And I must admit that was when it was getting bad. This was when it became more about control than it did about weight. Now this is the point where the scales tip. And i'm not talking about just the weight i mean this is when it becomes super serious. When it becomes about control and self discipline then this is the point where it's hard to go back. It's essentially the point of return.
I will always remember that day when I could see concern start to come off his face. We were down in the hall that morning having breakfast. And when I said we, I meant him. It was pretty quiet that morning as most students had later classes that day but anyway. I had a bit of food on my plate and I was playing with it. Just staring at the food made my stomach turn at the thought of putting it in my mouth. "You are not going to eat anything, love" he asks me. I look up at his concerned face and shake my head. "Not feeling the best today Georgie. Must just be close to that time of the month ''I say to him. He nods his head at me understanding. "Just promise me you will have a snack or something in case you get hungry before lunch ok don't want you getting hungry" he says finishing off his breakfast and getting ready to head to class as he was before mine.
