The Choice

Chapter 28

Small Content Warning for Allusions to Sex

Devon: I blinked awake to find the room still dark, a feeling of dread weighing heavily on my chest. I pressed my palm into my sternum as images of The Universe filled my mind again, making my head ache all over again. I gasped for breath, desperately trying to calm down before I woke Noah up. I couldn't sit still, though, I felt like I was drowning. I sat up carefully and pulled my knees to my chest, taking in deep breaths through my nose as quietly as I possibly could. What's wrong with me? I didn't even have a nightmare. You can't even dream here! Calm down, calm down, calm the fuck down! My slow, quiet breaths felt entirely ineffective. I'd inhale as deep as I could, and my lungs still felt desperate. I gripped my hair as I began hyperventilating again.

In horror, I registered Noah sitting up beside me. They placed their hand on my back and scooted closer to me. "Are you okay? What's happening?"

"Go back to sleep," I gasped. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Wake me," Noah said firmly. "What's wrong?"

"I can't breathe," I sobbed. "I can't- I can't breathe!"

"Here, lie down," Noah said softly.

I shook my head firmly. "I can't. It's worse when I lay down."

"Okay." Noah moved so they were sitting in front of me. I felt one hand cup my cheek, the other rest on my shoulder. "Want the lights on?" I shook my head. "Okay."

"I feel like I'm dying," I whispered.

"You're not dying. I think you're having an anxiety attack. Is the touching helping, or should I stop?"

"Don't stop," I gasped, leaning my head forward until it was pressed into their chest. They wrapped their arms around me and held me tightly, taking in slow, deep breaths until I was able to match mine up with theirs.

"I love you. Everything's okay."

"Is it?" I whimpered. "I'm... broken."

"No, you're not. Look at you! You're here, you're back. You did that all yourself. I know you're scared, but that doesn't detract from the strength you possess."

"I feel like all my strength was zapped back in Purgatory," I whispered. "Closest I feel to strength now is when I'm with you."

"It's a start," Noah said softly. They ran their hand up along my spine until they could gently grip the hair at the base of my neck. They gave my forehead a firm, lingering kiss. "But you don't have to feel strong all the time. You don't have to feel strong now. It's okay. You can just rest."

I reached up and clung to their shoulder, then climbed into their lap. "I'm so embarrassed," I whined softly as I wrapped my arms and legs around them, hiding my face in their neck. "I don't want you to have to see me this pathetic."

"You're not pathetic. I could never see you that way."

"Just as a selfish coward," I whispered.

"Stop that," Noah insisted sadly. "You've been through a lot of horrible things. You don't need to beat yourself up for not feeling invincible while you try to process and recover from them." Their tone had a pleading quality to it, matched by their arms tightening around me; every part of them begging me to see myself as they saw me, love myself as they loved me, or at least to try.

"I don't know that I'll ever recover... I was only gone two and a half weeks. That's all it took. To make me into... this."

"It felt longer to you. Hell, it might have actually been as long as it felt to you, for all we know. And-and even if it wasn't, you- you're allowed to feel however you feel. You don't need to make things harder on yourself just because you're not used to feeling this way."