Jaylor - A love story

Loves me like I'm brand new

***TW: ED

Taylor's eyes opened slowly in the dark. She reached for her phone to check the time- 4:13am. Why was she awake at this time? She tried to get back to sleep but couldn't. All her problems were making her such an insomniac at the moment and she wasn't enjoying it at all. She needed the toilet- perhaps that was why she was awake, so she got out of bed as quietly as she could and tiptoed to the bathroom. She checked that Joe was peacefully sleeping before shutting the door and turning on the light. 

The white flash hurt her sleepy eyes and she squinted slightly as she went to the toilet. She went to wash her hands and stared at herself in the mirror, looking into her own vacant eyes. She didn't know if Joe bought her act earlier, but he didn't question her or anything so she was in the clear for now. She hated keeping stuff from him, especially when it was like this, but it was just easier not to involve him. She was still feeling insecure at the moment. Whilst having sex with Joe was a temporary distraction, she couldn't shake what she was feeling before out of her mind. She kept seeing those comparison pictures from that article and it made her never want to eat again. She hated seeing photos with cellulite on her legs, or muffin top on her waist, and no matter how much she told herself she was okay with it because she was healthy, she couldn't accept it. Tears started falling down her face like a waterfall, and she had to cover her mouth to stop the sobs from coming out. God she was such an ugly crier and it made her hate herself even more. Her face contorted with disgust for herself and she slumped to the floor, resting her head on the wall. She hated feeling like this so much but there was nothing she could do about it. No-one knew, so no-one helped her and maybe that was part of the problem. As she leant over, hugging her knees towards her chest, she felt fat rolls collecting at her tummy and she wanted to scream with frustration. She wanted to go back and undo her greedy habits from earlier on, but she couldn't. As more tears ricocheted off her face and onto the floor, she stared at the toilet bowl. There was one thing she could do to undo it, she thought to herself guiltily. She'd never done it before, she used to just starve herself and overexercise instead, but it felt like the best solution right now. She shivered as she moved towards the toilet and opened it, gulping with fear. She cowered over the toilet bowl and began sticking her fingers down her throat when she heard a voice.

"Please don't Taylor"

Taylor stopped and turned to see Joe in the doorway. His face looked broken as he saw what she was doing and a tear started to fall down his face. Taylor turned away and held her head in her hands and wept. She never wanted Joe to see her like this, and the hurt look on his face said it all. 

"Just go Joe, I'll be out in a minute" She whispered to him as she tried to compose her face and wipe away the tears. 

"I'm not leaving you like this Taylor." His wounded voice cracked with pain as he spoke.

"Please Joe. I promise I won't do anything, I'm just gonna clean myself up I'll be right out"

"No Taylor, I told you I'm not leaving you."

She burst into tears again as he knelt to the floor and reached to her. She crawled into his arms and he squeezed her harder than ever before, rocking her back and forth on the bathroom floor. He rubbed her arms and stroked her hair, whispering into her ear that everything was going to be okay. He grabbed some toilet paper and started mopping up her tears which seemed an impossible feat as they didn't stop coming. 

"Taylor please stop crying, I'm here now."

She stared into his eyes with her own glassy blue ones and did her best to control herself. He tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed her forehead softly. She nuzzled into his neck and breathed him in and out. They sat there in a mess of tears for a while until Taylor had calmed back down. He drew her face back from his and looked into her eyes. 

"Will you come back to bed with me?"

She nodded and closed her eyes.

"We can talk about it tomorrow but for now I think its best if you get some sleep"

She nodded again and he picked her up in his arms and carried her out of the bathroom, hitting the light switch on his way out. He laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her shivering body. He reached over to switch the lamp off and then pulled her close to him. He wrapped his arms around her so tight and he never wanted to let go of her. She was facing away from him, still trying not to cry. The warmth from his body was comforting her somewhat, but she was terrified for the conversation that they would have in the morning. Reluctantly she knew she had to tell him everything. Joe stroked her hair dotingly and breathed into her ear softly:

"I love you so much"

Her lips turned upwards into a slight smile with his words and she squeezed his hands that were clinging to her waist as a response.

"I just want you to know that you never need to do that with me"

She squeezed his hands harder.

"I don't want you to ever feel that way again, and I'm going to help you through this. Okay?"

She nodded in the dark and he felt the movement of her head against the pillow.

"Sleep well"

He pulled her in closer, for fear of her slipping away again. His grip had such a desperation to it but he couldn't help it. It loosened as he started to fall asleep and so did she. Both of them slept peacefully after that incident. 

Joe woke up at 9:30 with his arms still around a snoozing Taylor. He was so scared that he'd wake up and she wouldn't be there so he was grateful to find her in his arms. He started reliving what had happened in his mind even though he didn't want to. He remembered waking up because he had heard shuffling around in the bathroom and assumed Taylor had just gone to the toilet, but then he heard what sounded like crying. He had got up and opened the bathroom door to the worst sight in his life. He had known exactly what she had been about to do, and his face had fallen and he had felt tears coming. Her face when she saw him was like a deer caught in headlights and in that moment he saw so many emotions in her eyes. Horror at him catching her like that, guilt for doing it, sadness for feeling she had do it in the first place and just pure pain. 

Suddenly he felt her move in his arms and she turned her head back to see if he was awake. They locked eyes and she turned around so she was facing him. He pressed his lips against hers delicately, and they still tasted like salt from her tears. Taylor pulled away from him and looked away and spoke.

"I'm sorry" Was all she said.

He sighed and pulled her in for another hug.

"Taylor you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. In fact I'M sorry because I wish you felt comfortable enough with me to talk about it."

"I wanted to, but I was so scared." She spoke into his neck, her speech muffled.

"Scared of what?"

"I don't really know. Just scared."

He exhaled against her cheek.

"Why don't we eat something and then we can talk about?"

"Okay"

They both got out of bed and got changed, then went downstairs to eat some breakfast. They ate in silence, neither wanting to say anything. After they had finished, Joe took her hand and lead her onto the couch. He laid down with her head resting on his chest and she started speaking. She told him everything. Not just about last night, but about the past few years and how she'd struggled with her body. He took it all in without saying a word and just listened. She told him about the article she read last night and the countless others she'd read before. She told him that that was the first time she'd ever tried to throw up purposefully and Joe felt a sigh of relief in his chest. She told him how he was the first person she'd told, and that she wanted help but just didn't know where to start. She fell silent after off loading all of this information and Joe spoke. He told her he was going to help her get through it, whatever it took, and that he was never going to leave her. This was everything she needed to hear in her fragile state, and she hugged him gratefully. After everything was out in the air, Taylor told him that she just wanted to move on for now and try and forget about it. Of course Joe would never forget about it ever, but he did try and act normal around her for her sake. They had a nice rest of the day chilling in the house and going for a walk along the beach, trying to move past the horrible events of before.