Caffeine Withdrawals: An Unspoken Collaboration

Layers of Emotionless

Survival of the Fittest

With a heart so heavy, how can you not sink into the blackest pools of darkness. Every meaning to exist wiped clean, every survival instinct removed, leaving you with no hope of staying alive. What is sleep worth when you can't dream to escape the madness of reality, when waking up every day is a chore in it's self. Your body fighting to stay awake, while your mind is begging to shut down. The only way you can get through a single day is via medication, controlling the chemicals in your brain. But that's still not enough to take away the pain you've felt. That still remains real.

You may see these emotions as weak, as attention seeking, a cry for help. But people never understand unless they have been there, unless they have shared their own struggles.

If you can't admire other people for their strength through constant battles, then think long and hard. What is your life worth? What are you fighting for? We are all fighting for something, that's how we stay alive. We refuse to let go without a battle or a fight. In fact, your body is designed to stay alive, it's natural instinct is to stay alive. When your heartbeat spikes, when your palms turn clammy, the hairs on the back of your neck stand from fear. Your body is giving you two options; You either stand your ground and fight, or you take off running.

But when you're so sick of fighting, so sick of trying to stay alive, your body no longer tries. Your brain changes who you are as a person, how you act, how you live. But some how, somewhere, acting this way is not socially acceptable. Why would anyone choose to be this way? It's not a choice, no one would choose to feel this way if they had a choice.

Why would someone choose to feel invisible, helpless, incapable of getting through the day, wishing and wanting to disappear. If someone is ignored and treated as if they do not exist, at what point do they start to become invisible?

The truth is no one would ever dream to feel this way, if they could pick how they will feel, it would be nothing remotely close to them feelings. Feeling alone, forgotten, unable to control unstable thoughts. No one would pick this, unless they are struggling to fight, unless they have lost the will to fight any longer.

People are never alone, no matter how isolated, lonely and lost they feel. There is always someone out there fighting for the same reason. Holding on to live a little longer, people who haven't given up on hope just yet. And neither should you.

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Numerous things can cause pain; bullying, domestic violence, being mistreated and taken advantage of. Only a number of things can help us get by, regardless of if it's medication, self harm, even suicide for the unfortunate. We all survive in different ways, others fought their hardest and lost the battle. 

This does not signify that you're weak, that you haven't tried your hardest. Pain comes in different forms, some decide to stay a little longer. Sure people say it gets easier with time, but that's if you think it's worth fighting, and let's be honest. Every human life is worth fighting for. One thing people should remember, other's can't justify how much someone is hurting. How someone is coping, whether they think its right or wrong. That's opinion, never first hand experience. 

Domestic violence and bullying form from a similar tree. And it can make you bitter, fearful, tearful and most of all. It can be painful, physically, emotionally as well as mentally. 

Just think, when you call someone a name. May be petty and small, but to that individual it could make a choice of whether or not their day is worth living out and how amount of hurt they are feeling. When you live through domestic violence, through bullying. You may feel alone, feel isolated, no one else is going through the same and it's just you. But in actuality, million's of others are going through the same. Beaten, name called, picked on. It's just a matter of speaking up and knowing right from wrong. 

It's hard, it hurts beyond belief. To the extent you become numb, all feeling you once felt. Gone. Leaving you with nothing, to the point crying isn't even an option, either because you can't. Or you won't let them win. People will handle this differently, some will fall into depression, others turn to self injury or harm. In one single inflected motion of pain, you will feel a range of emotions come rushing to you. Relief, anger, hate, hurt, pain, annoyance. But most of all, the one emotion that will hit the hardest. Guilt. 

You will swear to yourself never again, but maybe days, weeks, months down the line you will slowly start to crave it. To feel normal, to feel emotion. To feel alive. At that point it will become more and more. To the point it's not used as a relief, it's an addiction. 

Now, people may wonder. How can hurting yourself become an addition. Well how can alcohol become an addiction? I know it seems petty to mention, but alcohol poisons your body. That dehydrated discomfort, the dull, nagging headache in the back of your skull. Your body was working in overdrive to fight of the poison you self inflicted into your body. The aftermath is your body's way of saying, it's gone. You lived this time, but next time may not be the same. 

So before anyone is judged for being depressed, harming to stay alive. Just think about what they could have gone through. Bullying, domestic violence, being taken advantage of. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why blame someone who is depressed. It's an illness that can leave devastating consequences, such as suicide for the people who could no longer fight. The people who tried and tried, but fell. They never failed, they lost the battle.