Diary And Unsent Letters

only if you see how he looks at you.

Only if you see how he looks at you.

"Pao, nasabi mo na?" I immediately asked Paolo after I got out of my first class. We are in the canteen. I could hear whispers in the back wondering why the school introvert is with the school's extrovert.

"I did. They made an announcement already. They laughed at you though muntik na nga ako manabunot. What's wrong with writing diaries? Dahil lang we are in modernity di na tayo allowed to share our thoughts sa notebook?" Nakasimangot na sabi nito while rolling his eyes. Paolo in his annoyed form looks cute.

"Hayaan mo na bestie. Those who laughed lived a superficial life!" I said and eat my carbonara. Pao on the other hand is looking at the surrounding probably waiting for the love of his life to come. His baby sunshine as he called Ian.

"Bestie baka may practice." I said. Di pa rin kumakain eh. Nanghina bigla. Bakla ng taon.

"Haist. Nawalan ako ng energy bestie. Siya ang bohai ko!" I chuckled by the exaggerated look on his face, and he dramatically touch his chest as if he lost someone. Then a series of huhuhu came out of his mouth. Bakla talaga ng taon.

I rolled my eyes, and look at the entrance of canteen only to see Ian laughing with the school's jocks, Rome, Arson and Niko. The trio, they are our school's love of love. Ladies even from different school flock over them and cheer for them whenever they were inside basketball court.

"Didn't know na Ian's friend with the Trio." I stated. And Paolo as over head in heels with his crush, parang 360 degrees na umikot ang ulo. I can hear a small gasp escape in his lips. I know that he is having a lot of positive adjectives describing Ian in his head.

"Gaga, Ian and Rome are cousins." Paolo said still looking at the 4 men who are not aware that they got everyone's attention just by standing and laughing. Ugh. Pretty privilege is real. I gulped on my juice when Ian looked at our direction and I know that his eyes meet Paolo's. My bestie hitched a breath and pretended to look elsewhere, his cheeks are red and he is trying to stifle a smile. For sure tumitili na siya sa utak. Out of desperation not to get caught Paolo did not see how Ian's eyes lingers into his. How he's looking at him with longing and more. I decided to look at Ian to observe if my hunch is right but I was taken aback. Brown eyes like of dessert dust dancing in the wind staring at me as if I am someone he could hypnotize, looking as if I have something he craved to have. Brown eyes,thick eyebrows, neck length wavy hair, dapper even in his white shirt. Rome! Oh God Rome. My white lies and little secret. Reds and heart beats. Nobody knows even Pao. I admired this brown eyed man a long long time ago. Puta. Puta talaga!

I am a bystander, no one else sees me. I am a bystander and I see the stars and how they reach for the sky. I see him and he doesn't see me. But why? Why does he looks at me as if he knew secrets and lies?

My heart is pounding, I look at Paolo and he is also catching his breath slowly trying to hide the nervousness in his chest. We are stunned. Seated in a canteen's chair, carbonara and pizza in each other's plate. A kalamansi juice and coke and four men approaching our table. This is hopeless. Paolo is not much of a help he's panicking and I am as well. I coughed. Kailangan kong maging matatag. Si Paolo lang ang marupok.

I coughed harder. Binabawi ang pagkagulat. Magpakatatag ka Tiana!

"Hi!" And they were there in front of me. Alive, they scream attention. In flesh. It was Nico who said the first syllables, followed by Ian's smile and glimpse at Pao who's currently looking on his pizza. A little nod by Arson and a nervous look on Rome.

"Uhm. Hi?" I replied. Nagpapasalamat sa hangin that I appeared unaffected of their presence. My heart feels like a whole metal band.

"I found your notebook." Rome said. I swear to God I could feel color running away from my face. I feel pale and on the verge of losing myself into cosmos. Pao must have noticed my reaction because he immediately look up.

Diaries, secrets, unsent letters and Rome. That's all I know.

I opened my mouth, an attempt to speak but I was to perplex to talk. Words and emotions eloped leaving me speechless and numbed.

"Ay yung purple na notebook ba?" It was Paolo who speaks in my behalf. Paolo who is red. Paolo who is nervous. Paolo who refused to look at Ian.

"Ah oo." Rome replied still looking at me. Worried because I sit there stupidly.

"D-did you read it?" I asked. I want to punch myself. Fear is evident in my voice. Fear, shame... then a twinge of anger and again fear.

"The opening spiel!" Rome replied, bland. No emotion written in his face. I managed to breath.

"I don't want to get voodooed." Amusement dances in his eyes. I smiled a little. I could not give in. I am a bystander and he is the star.

"See you around I guess?" It was Arson, showing his phone. Gesturing that their coach called them.

  Rome handed the diary. It is polished.

I nod my head. They recognized that as a sign to dismiss themselves and Ian as well. He smiled at us, look at Paolo once again. Let the look linger and go.

..

"OH GOD! I almost died!" Paolo hissed. Humihinga ng malalim. Tumitibok pa rin daw ang puso niya kahit 10 minutes na yata ang lumipas.

He has been talking nonstop. It is the very first time he and Ian in that proximity.

"Bes!!! He was so near! Pero nagmukha lang akong tanga. I bet he doesn't remember me!!! Stupid Paolo!" Ranting while bumping his head on the table.

"Pao, he knows you." I did not said this to comfort him. I am not a fool. The look in Ian's face is a look I give to Rome in time's he's not aware of my presence.

"Stop. Wag mo akong bigyan ng false hope." He said. Hopeful but not. Paolo is gorgeous but he is acting small. For sure there are a lot of people who admired him.

"Hay naku Paolo! Only if you see how he looks at you."

"Yeah Tiana, only if you see how Rome looks at you."

We both look at each other. Bewildered. Pao is accusing me.

"You like Rome." He said. May tampo sa boses kasi tinago ko.

"Ian likes you." I said. Sinusubukang bumawi. He shakes his head. He doesn't believe me.

"Don't change the narrative. Make this about you." May tampo pa rin ang boses.

"Okay. I do. I wasn't sure kaya nga I hid it. The emotion is too much. Di ko alam how to navigate it to words. I am sorry for not telling you sooner." I sincerely said. He smiled. Alam ko naman na he wants to assure his role in my life. He is still my human diary.

"So? Paano mo nasabi na gusto ako ni Ian?" Suddenly his energy is back. I chuckled.

"Well. He looks at you the way you look at him." And he blushed.

"You were so nervous." I laughed remembering how silence ate him kanina.

We looked at each other and laughed. We were panicked parasites.