Plot Twist

Call me a fool

I swear I was out of my mind.

I kept going through the details of what happened last night.. back and forth, every single thing that led to what happened.

I shake my head in disbelief.

What was she thinking?

Wrong question. Jiwan always had the craziest antics when drunk - it's part of her charm.

But what was I thinking?

I'm supposed to always be the one with more composure, more control and more on top of my head. So how can I be so stupid, so damn stupid to have let her sway me when I wasn't even drunk?

I knew it was already a bad idea to hold her hand. But the way she said it -- her voice, shaky as if any moment it was gonna break, calling out to me, 'Sol. Can you hold my hand again?'. She can ask me anything in that voice. I would look for a drop in the ocean.

And so I held her hand and I felt butterflies in my stomach like I always do. But as always, I also felt afraid because any moment they might realize there are no flowers, only grass, tall dull grass, and they will decide to fly away.

But this time, Jiwan seemed more certain. She was drunk, I'm sure, but oddly there was this sober look in her eyes that I haven't seen before. A look of certainty. She looked at me and it was the most reassuring look, consoling enough to make me forget every heartache I felt for getting my hopes up only to find it repeatedly shattered.

So when she whispered Will you kiss me? there was nothing I could do - like I was in some sort of a trance- but to close my eyes and put her lips on mine.

***

It was 6 am the next day and Jiwan is still sound asleep when I got up. I find my way towards the sea bay, just a couple of steps away from the lodge where we're staying. I needed to clear my head.

The wind makes it a little chilly so I lit up a cigarette, suddenly remembering the warmth of Jiwan's hand. I know I should be happy about what happened last night, but I can't help but feel some sort of regret.

The line was crossed.

And there is just so much history between us that I'm not sure if it's worth the risk.

But I also felt somewhat relieved. I have been nursing these unwavering feelings for a really long time and lately, I feel like my heart is starting to get tired of the pain.

I've always convinced myself that I'm contented with just being by her side. I thought that I'm okay with being her best friend - someone she spends her time with the most, someone she shares her secrets to, someone who knows all her favorites, someone she can rely to the most.

And I do love her like that.

But I'd be lying if I say it doesn't hurt one bit to feel so much for her and have to hide all this love in something called 'friendship'. So whether or not things will progress between me and Jiwan from hereon is now up to fate or luck or whatever they call it.

I finished my cigarette so I can head back.