Plot Twist

Talking to myself

My best friend, Seo Jiwan, already the oddball that she is, has been acting increasingly weird lately.

Initially, I thought the instances were random.
But I started noticing that the weird things she's been doing are triggered only by certain things.

Here's one - she's been flinching a lot. No, not the kind that would make you worry that she may be sick. Her flinching is kind of...I don't know, goofy? You know how you can tell that someone's had a lot of coffee when they're easily agitated. They'd react nervously to minor things. Like a door that's shut or a book you accidentally dropped. And their reaction is almost animated. Jiwan would do this funny thing where she'd involuntarily close her eyes intently, her shoulders slightly raised, like when someone sneezes. Then when she opens her eyes again she would have this dilated pupils, like a deer in the headlights.

At first I thought it may actually be because of too much caffeine but then there were no increase in her usual 1 to 2 cups of latte a day. And this is even weirder, I noticed that she has been reacting this way if I would gesture to make physical contact. One time I was about to remove a hint of paint on her forehead and she did it. She froze and did that flinching that I had to stop. I ended up just pointing it out so she can remove it herself. Another time was when I was about to pat her head to compliment the charcoal drawing she made.

She did it too when we were about to cross a street. held her hand by the wrist (something I've been doing since forever). She didn't close her eyes but I felt the same vibe of surprise.

A few days since I noticed this, I asked her and she just laughed, then she talked about something somewhat related to flinching, her obvious way of trying to change the subject, so I just let it go.

Another thing I noticed is that Seo Jiwan seems to have developed an extreme repulsion towards Jung Ju Hyeok. And she's vocal about it too. My guess is that she's feeling protective. She already expressed multiple times that there's something suspicious about him and she just can't seem to figure out what.

Every time I would get a text message I can see her trying to glance at my phone's screen. Not that Ju Hyeok and I text a lot, but on the once or twice that he sent a text asking if I am free to hang out, I've observed a change in Jiwan's tone (in a negative way).

Here's another one. It's been a month since the trip and Jiwan hasn't dated anyone new yet. Usually, she would have one date, at the very least (she's quite popular). It's not anything serious, Jiwan usually goes for friendly-date-then-lets-see-what-happens kind of dates. Guys rarely make it to a second date, and she's never had one that made it to a third date. But then these days, she seems to only hang out with Nabi and the rest of the gang. She even started going out more with her other friend groups that she usually only seldom meet with.

Finally, and this is by far the weirdest, but I wouldn't have noticed if Bitna did not point it out. She keeps staring at me blankly for the last few days.

She does that too before, stare blankly at people. I figured it's just the way Jiwan works, staring at people's faces when she's trying to figure out what they're thinking. And the others noticed it too, eventually calling it "Jiwan stare". But maybe because I don't always say how I feel, she does it more to me than most of our classmates.

One afternoon as we continue working on our art projects, Bitna just casually told Jiwan how she cannot understand why Jiwan keeps on looking at me and my project as a reference when they're totally different and had no possible way of being related. That's when I realized that I have been catching her eyes more often than usual. But unlike before, whenever our eyes meet, she looks away.

I initially worried she may have started to remember some of what happened that night on the trip and that she's troubled by it. But apart from the changes I took note of, the way she treats me hasn't changed that much. Do I wish it would? And will an apparent change in how she treats me also change the way it was between us? I am back to speculations and what-ifs that I never figure out answers to.

But I figured if it's Seo Jiwan, all I could do is assure her that she can come to me when she needs me and when she's ready to speak her mind. I already know by now that it is impossible to confront Jiwan with these things.

I feel like I am constantly waiting for something that I don't know will come. I don't even know what exactly it is.

A sign maybe? A cue?

Just a little push that will urge me to cross the line and spill all the feelings I've been keeping to myself for so long, win or lose. I thought I was given that chance on the trip. I guess some people are just really unlucky.

But one of these days we'll try again Sol.

One of these days we'll have the guts to risk it all.