(Un)Lost

IF YOU DO

When I wake up on Tuesday morning, I know I have a busy day ahead of me. I have four clients at the gym in the afternoon and before that I have to pick up the dry cleaning, and sort out stuff for tomorrow. I also have to finish the sketches of the Ateez outfits for the shoot and print them out. I eat breakfast quickly and then I get on with my day. Before I leave the apartment I open the chat with Han.

H: I'm sorry I couldn't reply earlier!!

H: I think you're asleep now but I hope you've slept well

H: I'm gonna try calling you later if I have time.

H: I miss you!

And then, then he's sent me a selca of himself in bed. I take a deep breath and click on the picture. He's just too gorgeous and he's not even making an effort. I start typing.

B: Good morning!

B: Uh, fuck? You're so handsome

B: I slept well and I hope you did too

I look at myself in the mirror and before I can hesitate I take a picture of myself in the mirror and send it to him. I'm wearing a floral skirt, a bandeau top and my hair is in a high pony because it's far too warm to have my hair down. Just as I'm about to put my phone down it buzzes.

H: Ah, I'm not ~ but thank you

H: You're so hot

H: Shit

H: It's not fair

H: I'll call later

And then he sends me a heart emoticon and I just... I feel like I'm slowly just melting. I know what Wooyoung said yesterday is true. I don't want to admit how much I like Han. It's way too much. It just scares me. Not just because feelings freak me out, but because the situation makes it all so much more difficult. I knew all of this before. Of course I did. If I could, I would've chosen not to fall for Han. But it doesn't work like that. I can't really control who I fall for.

The rest of the day goes by slowly and it's almost like I'm in a blur. I do all the stuff I need to do. I get the dry cleaning, I hang it all back into the storage room. I finish the sketches for the Ateez shoot and print them out. I pack all the stuff for tomorrow. I go see my clients at the gym and have some really good sessions at the gym. But I can't stop thinking about Han. It's really not heathy. It doesn't help when I'm at the gym coaching, Going Dumb comes onto the speakers and I almost drop a kettlebell onto my foot. Fantastic. When I get home, I sit down in the couch and sigh. I'm so tired and I'm slightly anxious about tomorrow. I don't really know what other actors will be there and I hate going into something without knowing all the details. I've texted Lia the address and she said she'd meet me there. When the clock hits 10pm, I start making my way into the bedroom. I could stay up forever waiting for Han to call, but the truth is he might not. I sigh and sit down on my bed. Just as I'm contemplating going to sleep, my phone buzzes. I stare at the screen, almost in disbelief.

"Hey" I say as I pick up.

"Hey, sorry I haven't been able to call until now."

I smile. "No worries. I'm just happy you called."

"Good! Hey, I just thought of something. Do you wanna video call instead?"

"Uh... sure. I mean I'm about to go to sleep but sure." I laugh.

"It's okay, I'm sure you still look cute."

He presses the video button and before I can react his face pops on my screen and I just stare at him. I can tell that he's in the studio again. His hair is tousled and he looks tired. He's wearing a black hoodie and he looks so cuddly. I hate it, because I just want to be near him. And I can't.