Life of an Indian Teenage Girl

Brain dump

I haven't posted anything in a long time. Is it because I don't have anything to write about? Is it because nothing interesting has happened? No, it's because too much has happened and I didn't want to write it down while it was happening because then it would be too real. As much as this book was supposed to be about "keeping it real" with no filters, I also did not want to write about things while it's happening. I would end up crying and the chapter would remain unfinished and unpublished.

So, what has happened since I last posted? Well, I started writing a new book called love for my life. It's a poetry book. Then, I realized more than half of my Instagram followers were bots and ended up removing them. Now, I have 170 followers and 70 posts. Why doesn't it grow? Instagram tells me to post reels but, I don't want to do poetry reading nor do I want to show my face. So, I made a "Venom In Heart aesthetic" reel and let's just say I got a lot of followers, but I ended up removing them because they were bots too.

I also realized that my greatest supporters are people that I've never seen, aka online friends.

I got a new phone and ended up losing a lot of my chats and photos.

I realized how unfair it was that people still consider our batch lucky because we passed without writing board exam. Instead of writing the exam we studied more than a year for, we got graded for assignments and tests a lot of us couldn't/didn't study for. Yes, we are SO lucky.

Life is unfair, but are we fair to life? If we keep hating on it, how will it give us anything good? That's actually why my poetry book is called "Love for my Life". My other three poetry books are dark and sad. This one I want to fill with positive poems.

The fact that I might just die someday and people will forget me, disturbs me. The fact that a lot of people will be told not to cry because they are men, disturbs me. Why are men not allowed to cry? Do people think that they don't have the hormones to make them feel sad? The science in these rules made by society just blows my mind and the fact that there are people listening to them and agreeing with them is worse.

(I know that one paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with the other in this chapter but, I've had a lot of time to think lately. )

The fact that I have had so many lost friendships is sad. How have I had so many friends? Why don't I talk to them anymore? Why don't they talk to me anymore? I've spend a long time blaming them for us but, a few days back I realized that I am the problem. I am the reason I don't have friends. Everyone else does. Why don't I? I think it has something to do with me being too real or too rude or something. I don't really know but, I'll figure it out. Something is wrong.

I don't like a lot of things about me. I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel. I don't like how I make others feel. Every time I try to "spread positivity" I just end up getting sad and then it's just negative thoughts. I get scared that I might project them onto others.

I have no idea how this chapter is going to end.

I think I'll just end it here.