A Step Into The Dark | Cal Kestis AU

Chapter 11: Too Much

TW: Mentions of suicide; description of mild panic. If one or both of these things are triggering to you in any way, please skip to where the bold *** are- it signifies the end of possibly triggering content. The bold line of X signifies the beginning of said content.

Please know that you are not alone. If you ever need to talk about anything, ever, my inbox is always open and judgement free.

Keep yourselves safe, I love you.

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Multitudes of intrusive thoughts fluttered through my head as I walked down to the TIE hanger.

I wanted them to stop.

I wanted it all to stop.

Being exposed mentally to Eva was more frightening than reporting a failure to Second Sister. 

She knew things, she felt things, things that I wanted to keep hidden away. 

It felt like the wall I had built up over the years was beginning to crack and crumble, its integrity completely smashed by Eva's entry into my mind.

Cold sweat began to soak my undergarments, making me feel clammy and increasingly uncomfortable.

Stormtroopers stared as I made my way to the huge hangar doors.

I ignored their curious gazes and took a heavy step out into the cold air.

It wasn't even noon yet, the sun hidden behind a thick haze of clouds.

My body felt weighed down as I climbed up a handful of external piping, sitting on a landing that overlooked the water.

I wanted to scream out for the whole planet to hear.

Just for once, I wanted them to hear how I really felt.

As I took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm my shaking body, I realised how similar I felt to before I joined the Empire.

After the Purge, I was lost and alone. I scavenged for scraps to survive, having nothing but the clothes on my back and the lightsaber that weighed in my pockets.

Part of me at that time had just wanted to end the suffering I had been put through. Part of me just wanted to walk the stars, to be back with the Jedi and away from the real hardships of the world.

I had come close to it, truly, once.

What had stopped me, though, was the thought that I could end up somewhere better if I tried.

If I actually tried to survive, I would. I'd end up safe and away from the shithole planet I had been stuck on.

I watched the waves lap at the stone foundation of the Fortress.

Listening to the ocean and watching the TIEs take off acted as a calming agent, in a sort of way.

I shook out my body to try to rid of the clammy feeling.

I would be okay.

I have to be okay.

********

"Brother," a familiar voice called as I walked back into the Fortress. "I've been looking for you."

Without the concealment of my helmet, it took everything in my power not to roll my eyes.

"A word?"

Knowing I had no power really to deny her, or, quite frankly, any reason, I gave a curt nod and followed her down the halls.

Second Sister was quiet for a while. She kept her hands clasped behind her back and lead me farther into the Fortress.

"What did you need to speak to me about?" I asked, glancing up at the woman next to me.

Her pace slowed slightly, as though she was slowing down to get her thoughts together.

"The Jedi," she said. "I wanted to know where you are at with the interrogation."

My breath hitched in my throat and back straightened.

I was nowhere.

Every time I thought I was close to getting somewhere with Eva, she laughed it off and made fun of me.

"It's unfortunately a slow process," I admitted. "Her spirit is stronger than most. But I am doing my best. She claims she doesn't know where any other Jedi are."

Second Sister scowled. "Two days, brother. And you have gotten nowhere. If I do not receive any news soon I will be taking over and putting you back on recon."

The idea of her interrogating Eva instead of me made my stomach churn.

Knowing how the sister operated, Eva would likely be dead in a week- if that.

"I'm doing my best. As I said, I will report to you with my findings. Though, truthfully, sister, I don't think there is much to find."

Second Sister came to an abrupt halt and stared at me through her helmet, causing me to take a step back.

Troopers stationed in the halls glanced at the scene.

"You have three days to return to me with news. Or you will be back on recon duty for another year."

I watched as she stalked off, her red and black cape billowing behind her.

"What are you looking at," I scowled at a group of Stormtroopers whose heads were all turned in my direction. "Get your asses back to work."

They quickly scuttled along towards their destination as I let out a quiet sigh.

I really didn't have the need or energy to go see Eva again.

She would likely end up pissing me off or making me uncomfortable again.

I started back towards my room.

Now would be an excellent time to take that damn shower. It would be like washing away the stress and panic that had accumulated on both my skin and in my mind.

The doors hissed open and I waved the lights on, taking note of my made bed and folded clothes.

The droids must have taken care of everything while I was with Eva.

I pulled my armor off plate by plate, setting it on my bed.

My underclothes were tossed to the side, most ending up hanging over the side of the basket which held dirty clothes.

I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water in the shower, waiting for it to heat up.

Water came directly from the planet's oceans. It was filtered and reused, and had to be heated or cooled depending on your needs.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, noticing the bags that had started to form under my eyes. I needed better sleep.

I shrugged it off and stepped into the warm shower, shutting the glass door that began to fog up.

Water cascaded down my back, setting my nerves alight with renewed vigor.

I ran my hands carefully through my hair, working out small knots I had missed when I woke up.

I thought about what Second Sister had said.

She would put me back on recon duty if I couldn't get what she desired from Eva.

Recon duty was one of the most boring, tedious tasks an Inquisitor could be assigned.

We flew from planet to planet, scouting for places where the Empire could profit. We also looked for Jedi which, until Eva, we hadn't found one.

They were good at hiding.

Zeffo was a personal favourite of Second Sister's. The mine brought in a lot of materials and credits, which helped fund her expeditions.

I would not be placed back on recon duty.

Not after I finally found a Jedi.

I had to get what Sister wanted, one way or another.