Sarah Paulson Mental Health One Shots

08/09/18

TW: death/ suicide
______________________

Your last day was like normal. You were with me.

Readers pov:
I looked over at them and gestured for the joint we shared. They just rolled their eyes and handed it. I took a long drag and stared out at the pond. I let out a content sigh and felt their arm wrap slowly around my waist, pulling me closer towards them. I rested my head on their shoulder and felt them squeeze me tighter against them. "I love you Y/N", they said lowly, almost a whisper. I leaned closer into their touch. "I love you too". We stayed together till dark, both of us extremely fucked up. They walked me back to my house and made sure i was safe before they left me. I immediately fell asleep, worn out by the day we had together.

I'd woke up a few hours later, 11:13 pm. I had 7 missed calls, all from them. I called them back but it went straight to voicemail. So i tried again, and again, and again. I stopped and assumed they just went to sleep and so did I.

It was 9:34 am. i had woken up to my mom gently caressing my face. i rubbed my eyes to see a little better and noticed tears in her eyes. "Are you okay", i said a little worried. "Honey, there's an officer here to talk to you", she said in a pitiful voice. My heart dropped. Every bad thing i've ever done since birth, flashed through my head. "O-okay sure", i flashed her a fake smile. I got up and made my way to the front door, grabbing my phone on the way out. My mom motioned over to the couch where the officer was sitting. I sat down in a chair by myself and waited for someone to just break the silence. "Hi, Y/N is it?", the officer asked me. I shook my head in response, never having real respect for a police officer. "I'm afraid ____ ____ died last night. I'm so sorry for your loss". My mouth hung slightly open and tears threatened to spill from my eyes. It felt like a huge hole was punched through my chest and the air that once filled my lungs, no longer existed. My brain started to spin and my vision got blurry. Then air finally filled my body again, and i let the tears fall. I let the screams of anger spill from my lips. "I WAS JUST WITH THEM! HOW THE FUCK DID THEY JUST-", i couldn't finish that sentence. I couldn't even speak it into existence. I didnt want it to be true, it couldn't be. "They killed themselves last night", the officer said in response to my outburst of rage. I looked down at my phone and remembered the several missed calls i received from them last night.

3 years later:

Sunlight sneaks around the edge of the curtains, fills my bedroom, and teases me gently from a deep, dreamless sleep. I yawn and stretch and glide up, taking my time, liking how my bare legs slip on the sheets, enjoying the sensation of waking.

Then I remember, they died. My body stops moving, the air begins to disappear from my lungs, and the conversations we previously had played on repeat. I know it all one more time, every second fresh, like a horrible surprise, brand-new, overwhelming.

The walls of my room slide closer. I cant hear the birds I see chirping in the front yard. And now, I cant tell if the pain is inside me or out.

I'll walk down the streets and be reminded of you. It's like you're everywhere. A certain song could bring me to tears if i think about the times you sang it off key. I've held the burden of your death on my conscience, 'if i would've just answered the phone'. I don't think that will ever go away. But it's been three years, and your not coming back. I'll love you as long as my heart beats and i'll never forget the happiness you brought me. Thank you for trying your best.
08/09/18 <3

a/n: so i haven't updated like any of my stories in forever but i've been going through some stuff. but yesterday was one of my close friends deathday anniversary (idfk what it's called) so i figured i'd write about it to maybe finally get my thoughts down all at once. This thing is a whole mess and sorry for any typos or things that don't make sense, i just don't have the energy rn. but, i figured since i know zero people on here, it couldn't hurt to vent this specific thing. i hope you all are okay and healthy.
-L💜