Bharatayan: The Unsung Exile

Homecoming

It was a rather ordinary, silent, cold morning. Even as she marked a cross on her wall calender, Mandvi had thought there would be some special indication in the atmosphere on this day -- their last day in Nandigram. The exile was ending. She was still surprised at the total lack of emotion in her regarding the return home. All she felt was a deep numbness and a sense of loss.
And, for the first time in these 14 years she was experiencing suffocation. It was as though a heavy pall of gloom had settled on her surroundings. It was unsettling to watch Bharath swinging from anticipation to restlessness to painful anxiety. She had thought he would get better as the day of Ram's arrival approached. She was eagerly looking forward to seeing a happy Bharath. But no. He was only growing tenser every moment.
In the past few days he had stopped talking altogether. During day time she didn't know where he went. He barely ate. At night he didn't sleep a wink.
What Mandvi desperately wanted to do was to hold Bharath and comfort him and tell him everything would be fine. But all she could was to watch helplessly as her beloved battled with unspoken emotions.
She tried to divert her attention by getting ready for the move. But then, there was nothing to pack. They had no possessions to take back.
Mandvi found it hard to distract herself. Scenes from Ayodhya kept returning to her mind. All those that had happened passed across her mind in a whirlwind. King Dasrath's demise, Mother Kaikeyi, Sita leaving the palace, Bharath's encounter with his mother, his break down, all the decisions he took afterwards, their arrival here, their life here, Hanuman, the news of Sita's abduction, the war . . . a lot had happened.
Now what? What was in store for all them? Will everything fall back into normalcy from tomorrow?
The only thing she was certain about was Ram's coronation. With that Bharath would be happy,  free, relieved, and at peace.
And then?
What about her?
Mandvi always stopped her thoughts with this question as she could find no answer to it. The only thing she was sure of was loneliness and uncertainty.  At the same time, she had a faint glimmer of hope in her subconscious mind that Bharath would have some affection for her. But she never acknowledged this for fear of disappointment.
Mandvi decided to tend to her plants. They have been her companions all this while. For the last time, she watered them with love, and began to say her goodbye to each one she had planted.
She had many areas to bid farewell to. Yes, she would do that even though it was only bound to make her sad. Right now, she did not want to think of anything else.
She peeped inside the hovel to check on Bharath whom she found sitting still in meditation in front of the padukas.
She wondered if she ought to wait to tell him that she is going out. But then he hardly acknowledged her presence these days. She had to go if only to rein in her thoughts that were threatening to drown her in deep despondency. There was something that told her things weren't fine.
************************************
Bharath had thought that his heart would break. He couldn't take it in anymore. For 14 years he had managed to survive. But these last few hours were turning out to be excruciating. He was nagged by the intense fear that brother Ram may not come. What if his brother still suspected him of ambition? What if he doubted Bharath's loyalty? He couldn't bear these thoughts. There could be other reasons that might prevent his brother's return. No matter what, brother Ram had to come today. He must come today.
If not. . . .
Bharath had no hesitation whatsoever in fulfilling his word. He would willingly die any number of times in Ram's name.
But for Mandvi.
He couldn't imagine how she would react or what would happen to her after his death. All these years he had kept this buried deep in his heart. But now that the time has finally come when he may have to follow up on his vow, he was feeling scared. Not for himself, never. For his Mandvi, for that one person who was with him throughout this dark phase of his life, who had willingly surrendered to his decisions and silences, who had given him the kind of sustenance he badly required without expecting anything in return, the one whom he had so heartlessly taken for granted.
Bharath knew Mandvi loved him, and loved him with all her being. Though he never acknowledged this to her he knew a lot of his survival was dependent on her. He also knew he had been too harsh on her. And, he was hoping to make up to her after he had done with his current responsibilities.
She was never part of any if the decisions he had taken. He never consulted with her at any point regarding anything he was about to do. This promise he had made to Ram was one such decision. The fact is that he made it and kept it aside. It was only when Shatrughn reminded him of it that he became conscious of its consequences, and ever since he had not known peace.
And now. . . now it was too late to explain to her. He had no idea how to even broach the topic.
There was nothing he could do other than to hope with all his heart that Ram would arrive at the appointed hour. He would then tell her eventually as he made up to her for every single second he had ignored her. Bharath could feel a little bit of lightness. Once he ensure that the coronation ceremony went along smoothly, he would give all his time to his Mandvi. He would let her know what she meant to him and how much he loved her and cherished her. Yes, he would get his favourite smile from her, and extract every bit love he had found sparkling in her eyes. These were his possessions, his alone. Of course,she might be angry with him, and she had every right to feel so. But he would pacify her; he would do anything to win her back and get her love.
As soon as he allowed hope to settle in, he could feel it being subsumed in darker thoughts.
The only way he could calm down was to sit in front of his altar and think of Ram.
As he opened his eyes later, he could feel an unusual silence around. Or was it merely his imagination? He stepped out of the hovel. The day was bright. Everything was as usual. Only his heart was in turmoil. He wondered how Mandvi felt about today, what she thought about going back.
Mandvi had spotted Bharath sitting in front of the hovel. She decided to talk to him just so if it helped him to feel better.
She went and sat on the floor, in front of him.
"The entire kingdom would be full of lamps today."
"Hmm."
"It would be beautiful. Your idea was wonderful."
"Hmm."
"Will brother Ram know where to find you?"
"Huh?"
"Does he know this place?"
"No, I guess."
"How will we know when they come?"
"I'll go wait at the forest path."
"Mm. . . . Are you okay?"
"Mm."
They sat in silence, as they had done so many times. Bharath was finding it harder not to break down, not to hold on to her. He was happy that she sat with him and didn't make herself scarce as she usually does.
"Brother Ram will return safely. . .  Please don't worry. If he is delayed, we will wait till he comes."
Bharath looked at her. He knew she was trying her best to reassure him. He was touched to the core. He wanted to take her lovely face in his hands. Her eyes conveyed much more than she was articulating and her whole being was radiating love.
He could only sit stone still.
************************************
Mandvi set about clearing the hovel. There were plenty of fruits left. She would take it to her temple later on, as her last offering. She poured more oil in the lamp and looked around for something more to do.
The day just didn't seem to progress. It was still morning.
Bharath had started pacing up and down. Mandvi's question was valid. How would Ram know where to find him? He knew the entry path to the forest. He was planning to wait there as he had told Mandvi. But then, Ram was at Lanka. How would he be returning? He hadn't given that much thought.
He hoped everything was ready in Ayodhya. Shatrughn would ensure things were ready. The coronation was to take place at the earliest auspicious moment. These thoughts excited Bharath. Hope was springing up within him again.
Thinking all this, he had wandered towards the forest path. He would wait till sundown. If, Ram didn't arrive before nightfall, he knew what to do.
Bharath turned around. He could see Mandvi walking towards the woods carrying something. He could feel his heart beat rising in anxiety. To stall any thought from entering his mind he set about collecting pieces of wood.
************************************
Mandvi lined up the fruits she bought in front of her deity, and lit a lamp. Usually she had plenty to talk. Today she found herself speechless. This place had been witness to her inner most thoughts and feelings for long. She had been happy, sad, delighted and despondent here. But today, the place failed to offer her succour. she was feeling unusually restless. She could sense fear but was not able to identify it's reason.  She folded her hands and prayed hard for the speedy arrival of Ram. As she went deep into prayer, somewhere in her mind, she saw fire, burning so brightly, almost engulfing her.
Time passed.
It was past noon when Mandvi came out. She was finding it difficult to breathe now. Was it really fear or excitement, she wondered. She hoped it was the latter.
This evening Ayodhya would be as bright as daylight with lamps burning in every nook and corner. She wanted to see how te streets would look. She could imagine the joy of the people who would already be getting ready to celebrate the return of their beloved prince. It was going to be truly beautiful.
************************************
The light was changing. Mandvi was sitting at the backyard so lost in thoughts that she didn't sense Bharath's approach.
"Mandvi."
"Huh. . . Yes?"
"Mandvi . . . I . . . ."
"Mm?"
She went near him.
"Mandvi . . . ."
Why was he so hesitant?
". . . . I . . . I am going towards the forest path."
"Can I come along?"
"No!"
"I mean . . . You should be here to welcome them."
"Okay."
"Mandvi . . . I want to tell you something."
"Mm?"
"I . . . Mandvi . . . ."
Bharath was fighting hard for words, and to keep his tears down.
Mandvi could feel her heart beats loud and clear.
"Mandvi . . . I had promised brother Ram that if he did not come on the day hos exile ends, I would give up my life. I will wait till nightfall. If they don't arrive by then I will light my pyre."
Bharath walked away without waiting for Mandvi's reaction. He couldn't face her anymore.
It took her a while to grasp what Bharath had just told her.
"I will light my pyre" rang insistently in her mind.
Mandvi didn't realise she was crying. All she could feel was a terrible weakness in her legs and the sensation that there was no ground beneath her feet.
"I will light my pyre."
He had promised Ram.
Mandvi didn't realise she had fallen down.
"I will wait till nightfall. If they don't arrive by then I will light my pyre."
So, if brother Ram is delayed by any chance. . . .
Mandvi wanted to scream. But no voice came out of her.
Bharath had just left. He hadn't turned back once. He had left her. She had failed. He hadn't  even trusted her enough to tell her about his promise till now. She had failed so miserably despite all the efforts she took to serve him, to help him fulfill his duty.
She had failed.
Mustering whatever energy she had left, Mandvi ran towards her shrine. She fell down at the altar and cried her heart out.
"Please Lord . . . Please let brother Ram return . . . please. . . please . . .
Please let him return Lord. . . . Otherwise . . .  otherwise, everything his brother had done would be in vain. Please don't let his devotion go unrewarded. You have seen him all these years . . . the pain he was bearing all this while . . . please Lord, please don't let him down. Pleas let Ram return . . . please. . . ."
There was nothing Mandvi could do now. Her heart was broken. She could barely breathe. Again, she could see fire surrounding her.
Now she understood what it meant.
She would wait till nightfall too. And, if he didn't return, she knew what to do.
************************************
By the time she opened her eyes, it was dark. The sun had set. She was too numb to feel or think. She tried to stand up but had to hold on to the wall till she the shivering left her.
She couldn't bring herself to walk and had to sit down on the steps.
The evening was not over. There was still time before she should set out to find the burning pyre.
************************************
Shatrughn was pacing up and down in his chamber. He kept looking out. With every inch of increasing darkness his mind too grew heavy.
"Why do you look so anxious?" enquired Shrutkirti.
"Calm down. Everything is set. They just need to arrive."
"Yes. . . . They just need to arrive."
"Are you okay?"
"Huh? Yes. . . I am. Where are the mothers?"
"They are getting ready for the welcome. Right now they would be lighting lamps in their windows. I am going to do the same. Truly, this was a brilliant idea of brother Bharath. I just can't wait for the night!"
The night.
He would wait a little longer and then ride to Nandigram despite instructions to the contrary. He couldn't take it anymore.
************************************
Bharath kept walking around the forest path. He was too restless. Beset by doubts and fear, he started piling up the pieces of wood he had collected. He had managed to make fire too. It was still light. He would wait some more.
As he put the last wood piece on the pyre and lit the torch, he saw something in the sky, flying in his direction. It took him a while to recognise what it was.
Ram saw Bharath with a lit torch in his hand, and the pyre next to him. He rushed to his brother. Before he could utter anything, Bharath fell at his feet crying tears of relief.
************************************
Mandvi was woken by the sound of movement afar.
She turned to look and could see four people walking. But nothing registered with her.
She got up and tried to walk towards the people. What she saw lifted the weight off her chest. Her Bharath was alive. Ram had returned. The only thing she actually noticed was a beaming Bharath.
"Mandvi!" Sita called.
"Sister Sita!"
"Mandvi, my dear!"
"Sister . . . Welcome back."
"Won't you embrace me dear?" Sita asked her sister who looked totally lost and worn out.
Ram, Lakshman and Bharath joined them.
Mandvi touched Ram's feet and bowed to Lakshman.
"How are you dear?"
"Welcome back brother."
Ram lovingly stroked her head.
All the while Bharath was smiling, a look of intense relief spread across his being. Mandvi hadn't seen him this energetic in a long time.
"Come . . . come inside. . . ."
"No, Mandvi, let's all get back to Ayodhya. Come."
Hanuman was watching all this with a lot of affection. He was touched beyond words at Bharath's devotion. As soon as Ram said Ayodhya, Hanuman was on alert, trying to usher them all into the Pushpakviman. Lakshman was looking around the place.
"You were living here, brother Bharat?" he asked rather incredulously.
"Yes," replied Bharath shyly.
Ram turned to Bharath to embrace him again. he did not what to say to this brother of his. He was deeply touched by the unalloyed devotion he found in Bharath's eyes, and shuddered at the thought what he could've done if their arrival had even delayed.
"Bharath. . . ."
Overwhelmed by a multitude of emotions, Bharath remained speechless.
Lakshman put his arms around his shoulders.
"Come! Let's make a move! I so want to meet my mothers!"
"Yes! Let's go!" echoed Lakshman.
"Where is Mandvi, Bharath?" asked Sita.
That was when Bharath realised she was not to be seen anywhere.
By now Hanuman was leading the others to the Pushpakviman.
As he walked to the front, he saw Mandvi at the door, placing two lamps at the door.
"Bharath. . . Mandvi . . . come!"
Mandvi looked up at Ram's call and saw Bharath.
She closed the door of the hovel with a heavy heart, and stepped out.

Bharath, for the first time, voluntarily took Mandvi's hand in his. It was cold. He gripped his hold tight, in an attempt to transfer warmth. There was no response from her. Mandvi extricated her hand.
Bharath looked at her, and his smile vanished as he saw her dead eyes, bereft of all emotions.
"Bharath, Mandvi, come along! Let's not delay!" called Ram again.

As they walked to the viman, Bharath tried to rekindle his cheer. He knew he had a lot to repair. And he would. But right now Ram was the priority.