Not allowed// L.S

3

We have a show today and that means that I need to be close to Harry for a long time. Yes, I'm excited for the performance and to see our fans again, but I'm scared to cry. It's been a week since the interview and I've been on another 'date' with Eleanor what surprisingly wasn't that bad. I've been doing a lot better this week, I'm eating again without throwing up after and Niall doesn't need to check on me everyday anymore. It's been like old times, but I still have a weight on my shoulder because I haven't made it up with Harry yet.

When we hang out with the five of us, me and Harry don't talk with each other. There are a few glares, but nothing more. I see that Harry's struggling with it and so am I. I really want us like old times, hugging, kissing a waking up with him on top of me. But it isn't that easy.

•••

"Goodnight everyone!!" Liam says. "How's everyone doing?" There are a lot of screams in return and I wave to a few fans.

"Our first song is..." "I WANT" Niall screams. The music of 'I want' starts playing and that means Harry's the first one who needs to sing.

[....]

"I would find lots of things
Clothes, shoes, diamond rings
Stuff that's driving me insane.

You could be preoccupied
Different dick, every night
You just got to say the word"

When he changes the word 'date' to 'dick' a lot of fans scream and a smile appears on my face. I really want to talk with Harry, I still love him so much and I want it like old times again. We need to take it slow in the beginning of course, but I miss him. I miss his warm cuddles, I miss how small I am in his arms, I miss how he plays with my hair, I miss how he lets me smile even in the hard times, I miss how sweet his tongue tastes on mine, I miss his stupid jokes that make me laugh and I miss laying in bed all day curled up with each other.

•••

We sang a few songs and the fans are already going crazy.

Background music starts playing and I know which song it is. This is definitely going to make me cry, even if I try not to.

Zayn begins.

"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me
But bear this mind, it was meant to be"

I look at Harry's direction and see he's sad too. He's sitting with his head down, it hurts to see him like this.

[....]

"You can't go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me"

I look straight at Harry when I sing and he looks back with glossy eyes.

I almost break.

[....]

"I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it's true, it's you
It's you, they add up to
I'm in love with Lou
And all his little things"

When he changes the lyrics I can't hold it anymore, I run backstage and go straight to the toilet. I let the tears fall down on my cheeks and there escape sounds from my mouth.

A few minutes later I hear a knock on the door. "Louis? Can I come in?" It's Harry. "Yes" I try to wipe the tears away but my eyes are still red.

The door opens and Harry looks at me, I begin to cry again and this time even harder. "Come here" he opens his arms for me and I hug him immediately. "I'm sorry, I don't want all this. I don't want a stupid fake relationship" I say still crying. Harry runs his hand up and down on my back. "It's okay Lou"

"Hey look at me" I move my head so that I can look in his eyes. He wipes my tears away with his thumbs. "Don't cry" All I can say is sorry and nothing more.

I cuddle him for a while until I remind myself that we need to go back on stage. "Harry we need to go back, the fans are waiting for us" "I know, you know I still love you right?" I nod in response and Harry puts his hands on both the sides of my face. He looks me deep in the eyes and then puts his lips on mine.

"Harry" I mumble between kisses. I pull away. "Sorry, I really want to kiss you but I can't" I say. "Why not?" Harry looks at me with worried eyes. "So much has happened and I want to take it slow" "I need to get your trust back first, so please don't do that again" I look at him.

There's a silence until Harry finally gets something out. "I know. This is all messed up, this situation is shit and I've ruined it all by myself" "But I will try Louis. I will try for you, for your love"

•••

It's after the show and I'm heading back to my hotel room. Alone.

I walk inside and it's an absolute mess. I really need to clean.

I make the bed, trow away empty cans and decide to get my clothing from the floor. I always check my pockets from my jeans in case there's something in it.

First jeans, nothing. Second jeans, some cash. Third jeans, a small peace of paper. I hold it in my hand and suddenly I remember it.

That night, a fan gave this to me. I totally forgot I had it.

I open the paper. There's tears falling down my face immediately. I walk to the bed and read the message over and over again.

"We know Louis, we've known for a very long time. Don't let anyone hold you back from loving someone you're not allowed to love. It's written all over your face. You love them, and there's nothing you can do about it."

•••

I walk to the lobby because Niall asked if we wanted to watch a movie.

"Hey guys" I look around and see that Niall, Zayn, Liam and Harry are already sitting on the couch.

There's only a spot left next to Harry so there's no other choice than sitting there. "Hey Lou" Harry gives me a smile and I immediately feel a little better. We'll figure it out.

We'll be alright.

"You alright?" He asks me. "Yes, of course" He knows I'm lying but he doesn't ask further.

An hour later I'm asleep in his arms.

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Sorry for not updating! Hope you enjoyed this chapter:) Let me know what you think.