Darkness

Fractured

Merlin couldn’t figure out where he was. He couldn’t figure out what was happening. He wasn’t dreaming, he couldn’t hear anyone around him, couldn’t even feel his physical body. All that he was aware of was a deep, penetrating darkness. He wasn’t cold, and he wasn’t hot. He ached to feel anything. To be able to see or hear. Just be able to sense anything. His magic was muffled and out of reach. He knew that the darkness must be keeping him from accessing it. Trapped in darkness. At least he wasn’t shackled, this time. But he was alone. 

He wandered through the dark, hoping that, if he was truly trapped in his own mind, that he would encounter something soon. It felt like he’d been wandering through the dark for hours. But for all he knew it could have been minutes, or the opposite, days. Months even. Frustrated, he stopped searching for a way out and decided to try focusing on his magic. It was as much a part of him as blood. It couldn’t be taken away from him. He just needed to sort out the block and undo it. He felt himself let out a long sigh, and grinned. He hadn’t felt his physical body in some time, but he felt himself sighing. If he was truly trapped in this darkness, then it didn’t matter whether his eyes were open or closed. Merlin imagined the golden lights he would conjure for Gwaine or William. Imagining his son chasing the little lights around, caused such sudden grief, he felt his heart stutter. William. Gwaine. He needed to see his family again. Needed his husband and son. It took longer than probably necessary to get his heart back under control and focused back on getting back to the light. The lights. He thought of his little lights, and they floated around him. He was surrounded with their golden glow, but everything outside of their perimeter was still black. His magic was reachable enough to create the lights, so he must be doing something right. He pictured Gwaine’s face, pictured him sitting next to him, holding his hand. And for a second, he felt it. He thought the name as hard as he could. Gwaine. As he did, he could feel the shock reverberating through their connection. He’d managed to reach him. To reach his husband. But the energy it took was more than he had, and he lost his hold on the lights, slipping into a deeper unconsciousness. 

The next time he was aware, the lights sprang forward on their own. He hadn’t needed to focus on them or to reach for his magic. They were just there. He wanted so badly to be able to see everyone that the lights flared brightly around him. There had to be hundreds, maybe thousands of them. He reached his arms out, and willed them to be even brighter. He could break through this darkness he was trapped in. He had to. His family needed him. His King. His people. He felt his body again, rigid from the exertion. Someone was speaking to him, but he couldn’t make out the words. He focused back on the lights. He screamed as they shined so bright that the darkness surrounding him fractured. Yes! He thought as light from beyond shined through. He pushed, but felt his strength failing. The cracks remained but he desperately wanted to shatter what remained of the darkness. Gwaine! Merlin thought, and then a hand was squeezing his. He felt the pressure. But more than that, he felt magic and strength surging through him. With a final scream, the darkness around him shattered and his magic engulfed him in it’s light and warmth. He could feel everything again. Could feel his body, the blankets that covered him, could sense the candles that danced through the room, the hand squeezing his, and another dabbing a cool cloth on his head. He hummed and leaned into the touch. As he did, everything around him froze. 

“Merlin?” Gwaine asked, softly. 

“Mm.” Merlin responded, still unable to open his eyes.

“He’s waking up! Get Gaius and Arthur!” Gwaine shouted. Merlin grinned hearing the voice of his husband and linked their fingers together. “Merlin? Can you open your eyes, love?” Gwaine asked, gently. Merlin shifted on the bed and his eyes fluttered, but he was having trouble opening them. He groaned, hoping Gwaine would understand. When the cool wet cloth was moved from his head to his eyes, he sighed in relief. The cloth moved carefully over his eyes, moistening them so that they weren’t as hard to open. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, searching his surroundings. He was in his room, which was a good sign. He wasn’t still on the battlefield. He took that to mean he must have won. He beat Morgana. His head shifted and he met Gwaine’s concerned eyes. He reached a hand up to touch his husband’s face, and found tears streaming down it.