Hold on for Dear Love

1

"I know I'm selfish" Billie starts to write in her note book,
"I have everything I've ever wanted. A good family, good friends, and a good career but I still feel so empty." A tear hits the notebook paper and causes the ink to smear.
She puts her diary and pen into the bottom drawer of her nightstand and goes into the bathroom.  She looks at her face in the mirror, her eyes red from crying all night, it was hard for her to accept the fact that she couldn't go on tour like she planned. Change wasn't something Billie was good at accepting, especially when it was out of her control. As she was in the bathroom pondering her thoughts, her brother Finneas knocked on the bathroom door a few times but Billie was too busy being lost in her own thoughts to hear. "Everything okay?" Finneas asked but got no answer. "Billie, please open the door." He says again but she doesn't respond.
So he speaks again, "Billie, if you don't open this door right now, I'm unlocking it and coming in myself."
She finally opens the door and walked out trying not to make eye contact as Finneas passed her.
Billie goes  back into her room and checks  her phone, it was 11AM.
Her phone buzzed, it was a text from Anna.
"Are you back yet?" She read
Billie respond with a simple "Yes ma'am" to which Anna  replied "I'm coming over! Be there in 10!"
Anna always had a way of inviting herself over but she did it in such a way where Billie couldn't be mad at her. They've known each other for years and Anna was the only one who Billie ever opened up to because with her, she doesn't have to worry about information being leaked. Anna isn't on social media much and likes to keep things to herself, Billie admires her a lot for that and wishes she was more like that.  Billie thought about getting dressed in something more presentable than grey sweatpants and a white tank top and jacket but she knew Anna wouldn't care. She also wonders why she feels the sudden need to impress her best friend. Before she could even pick out a more acceptable outfit Billie heard the front door obnoxiously fling open and a familiar voice yell just as obnoxiously, "GOOD MORNING O'CONNELL FAMILY!!"
With in just a few seconds Anna ran up the stairs and flung open Billies door as well. "You're lucky I wasn't naked or something." Billie chuckled. "Eh I wouldn't care." Anna responded nonchalantly as she flung herself on Billies bed.
"So how did your performance go?" She asked not noticing the fact Billie was just crying. "It was bitter sweet. I wish I didn't have to come home so soon. I had so much planned all for it to be just taken away from me." Billie says and looked at Anna's face.
Their eyes met and at that moment Anna's heart sunk. She could see how hurt Billie looked and grabbed Billies hand with one hand and brushed her cheek with the other. Everything went quiet and it felt like time froze, they just looked into each others eyes. Billie was trying to hold back from crying again, her face already hurt from all the tears she's cried earlier.
Anna went to grab Billies other hand but accidentally grabbed her by her wrist causing Billie to flinch ever so slightly. She knew what that meant and it's definitely wasn't  a good thing but she doesn't bring it up yet.
Instead,  she let go and wrapped her arms around Billie's waist instead, they'll talk about it later but right now she feels like it's more important to be a friend, not a therapist.
Billie rested her head on her friend's shoulder then lifted her head up to look at Anna's face once again, "thank you for coming over." Billie said giving a small smile. "Hey, it's no problem. It's not like you had a choice anyways." Anna tells her then invites Billie to come to her place instead. She figured it would be nice for her to have a change of scenery and Billie agreed.
As Anna drives them back to her house, Billie glances over at her friend but quickly turns away before Anna can catch her staring. The drive was nice, quiet but it wasn't bad.
When they arrive Anna opens the door to her house and lets Billie in, "I'm sorry it's such a mess." She says, looking at the dirty dishes and random pieces of trash scattered places.
"I can promise you that I've seen much worse" Billie tells her.
The day is spent talking about irrelevant nonsense and watching random YouTube videos on the couch.
Anna can tell that Billie is struggling more than she wants to admit,
"Is everything okay?" Anna asks.
"Yeah of course I am! Why do you ask?" Billie tells her.
Anna shrugs her shoulders, "Because I care about you and want you to stay happy and safe." She says.
"I'm okay, I'll be okay." Billie tells her but Anna doesn't believe it one bit.
She knows Billie too well to trust that statement, she also has this gut feeling not to let Billie sleep alone tonight.
So, when Billie says she wants to go to bed and heads to the guest room Anna stops her.
"What is it?" Billie asks. She sounds slightly annoyed but changes her demeanor so Anna wouldn't suspect anything.
"I really don't think you should be alone right now, I don't know why but I just don't maybe.." she says before Billie interrupts,
"God, Anna" She interrupts harshly, "why can't I just be left alone for a goddamn night? Why the fuck does everyone think I'm going to lose my shit. You know, if I can't get alone time I will lose it."
Anna stands there waiting for Billie to finish her little tantrum before responding,
"because Billie, if more then one person is worried then there must be a reason. I don't know what that reason is and you don't have to tell me. We don't have to share a bed or anything, I'll sleep on the floor. Just let me be there for my own sanity." She says.
Billie sighs and nods her head in agreement then follows Anna to her bedroom but takes up the entire bed before Anna could get the chance to lay down.
So, Anna makes herself comfortable on the floor while Billie lays in Anna's bed giving her the silent treatment.
She tosses and turns, huffs dramatically on defeat, "get up here."
Anna laughs to herself, "okay, okay I will."
Billie faces the opposite direction, and mumbles something.
"What?" Anna asks
"I'm sorry..." Billie louder but not enough for Anna to understand completely.
"What was that?" Anna says
"I'm sorry." Billie says louder,
Anna heard her fully this time but messes with her and says, "what was that? Speak up."
"I said I'm sorry goddamnit!" Billie says as she rolls onto her back.
"Billie! There is no need to be sorry!" Anna tells her.
"No, there is. I was being an ass to you and you did nothing wrong." Billie says.
"It's okay, really! It is." Anna says to Billie rolling over to face her and then cuddles up next to her.
"It's just.... Everyone is so controlling of me and protective... I am okay and they just.."
Anna interrupts her, "Are you actually okay? Or do you just want everyone to believe you are because last time I checked people who are okay don't do that to themselves."
Anna looks down at Billie's wrists that are hidden by long sleeves then back up at Billie.
"I didn't.... I-... how did you know??" She mumbles.
"You flinched ever so slightly when I accidentally grabbed your wrist then played it off thinking I wouldn't notice. I did. I've been there myself enough times to know the signs." Anna tells Billie.
Billie remains quiet and holds Anna closer.
"I am fine, I have it under control." Billie says in hopes of tricking her but Anna knows all too well that, that isn't the case. Anna spent her youth struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts and for the longest time Billie denied feeling the same. She had her suspicions though and on this very night Anna's suspicions where proven to be facts. This was just the beginning of a long journey that neither of them could prepare for.