Hold on for Dear Love

35

"Well, it seems like your all cleared out and your body did what it was supposed to do." The nurse tells Billie at her appointment.
Billie silently listens to everything the nurse has to say, "the cramping could last anywhere from a few more days to a couple weeks. Give me a call if things worsen." She tells the couple then asks,
"Did you want to schedule another appointment with our IVF specialist for next month?" With out any hesitation Billie answers, "Yes!" Karissa is supportive of this decision as well.
Billie continues to have slight cramps throughout the day, a constant reminder of the loss.
"Why does life hate me?" Billie asks as she lays in bed with the heating pad.
"I don't think it does, I know you've been given a lot of difficult trials but life is worth living. Don't give up on yourself." Karissa tells her.
That last sentence, don't give up on yourself,  brought back memories of Billie telling Anna not to give up on her. No matter how loved she feels by Karissa and how happy she is to have her as a wife, her mind still wonders what could've been.
Billie  feels guilty, as if she put to much pressure on Anna and her own mental state slowly killed Anna mentally.
"I won't, I could never put you or Evelyn through that much pain." She tells her.
"I know, I trust you." Karissa tells Billie, giving her a quick kiss.
Billie wraps her arms around Karissa and almost instantly falls asleep. This was definitely one of the moments where Billie just needed to be held and so Karissa does just that.
Evelyn gets home from Finneas's and Claudia's house and is confused on why the energy is so sad.
"Is everything okay?" She asks Karissa while Billie is still asleep.
"To be honest with you, no it's not but it will be." Karissa answers.
"Oh, it's mama Billie going through something right now?" Evelyn asks out of curiosity.
"Yeah something like that." Karissa tells her. Billie heard Evelyn's voice and it wakes her up, "I'm sorry." Evelyn says as Billie's eyes flutter open. She can tell by the redness that Billie has been crying a lot and it breaks her heart.
Billie is her rock, she's her whole world.
"Did you tell her?" Billie asks, turning her head towards her wife.
"No I didn't, but I can if you want." Karissa answers.
"What? Tell me what?" Evelyn asks, her anxiety sky rocketing.
"I don't know how to say this and make it sound not so bad, so I'll just say it how it is. I was pregnant but lost the baby." Billie says, her voice cracking at the last part.
Evelyn tears up as she goes and hugs her, she lays down beside Billie so now both Karissa and Evelyn are comforting her.
"Oh mama, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Why can't life just let you be happy for once!" Evelyn tells her.
Billie wonders that same thing often, "I'll be okay, I'll try again and maybe have a better outcome." She answers.
What Billie is feeling right now is so conflicting, what she feels is a mix between feeling hopeless but full of hope. It's a weird way to feel and she doesn't quite know how to deal with it. She just is doing the best she can and hopes that everything will be okay again.
"I'm going to my room, text me if you need anything." Evelyn says as she stands up.
"I'll be okay, you don't need to worry about me." Billie says with a smile. After Evelyn leaves, Billie gets up to shower,
"Can you come with me?" Billie asks Karissa.
"Of course I will love." Karissa answers.
When Billie undresses and looks at her reflection she places her hands on her stomach, "I miss you my little Jude." She whispers.
She looks at herself long enough for Karissa to notice, "Let's get in my love, you're going to drive yourself crazy if you keep looking at your reflection." She tells her.
Billie knows Karissa is right, she will drive herself insane and she can't have that right now. She takes one more look at her stomach and whispers, "I feel so empty." Then walks away and showers. Billie doesn't feel empty emotionally as much as she does physically, she misses knowing that life was forming with in her. What is keeping her together is the hope of trying again, she knows better than to just give up on life. Last time she tried, it just made things worse for her. As the days go by everything feels grey, the air feels heavy, and the world is dull. Everything that used to bring joy to Billie just reminds her that she won't be able to share it with the baby she lost. Karissa is more patient then ever as Billie goes through a roller coaster of emotions. There are times where she doesn't want to be touched or looked at, then other times where she needs to be held. She snaps at the smallest of things but Karissa doesn't hold it against her, she knows Billie gets this way when she is feeling to many things at once. It reminds her of when the two first met and Karissa was lucky if Billie gave her a smile.
"Have you eaten anything Billie?" Karissa asks.
Billie rolls her eyes and says, "let's not start this shit again." Karissa brings over food for them to share, "I'm not trying to start anything, I'm just making sure that you are remembering to take care of yourself." She tells her as she sets the plate down.
"Why do I even need to, why do I need to take care of myself. I couldn't even  keep my baby alive so why do I need to? I don't." Billie sternly says.
Karissa gently places her hand on Billie's, "Because you need to be here for me, for Evelyn, and most importantly yourself. I care about you way to much to sit back and let you fall back into your eating disorder. Besides, we can try for another baby very soon. Don't give up hope." She tells her.
Billie takes a deep breath and comes to her senses, "You're right, I'm sorry." Billie tells her.
"You have nothing to apologize for, you've done nothing wrong. Everyone grieves differently and I'm just making sure you grieve safely." Karissa says as they both start to eat. Evelyn soon comes and joins them and they enjoy a nice meal together as a family.