I was trying to understand and connect those moments. Why did this angel man show me exactly those moments? I wanted to talk to him. Me: angel man if you can hear me please talk to me. angel man: yes I'm listening. Me: can you tell me why did I see exactly those moments? angel man: I don't know, it was up to you, only first one was my choice. Me: no I didn't ask for any of them. angel man: your mind did. I've chosen what to show you next if you don't mind. Me: okay, I guess. 23 years old me standing on my knees in the middle of the street. Crying. and screaming at someone on my phone. "You can't just run away from me, come see me, look me in the eyes and tell me the same words you coward. You can't just leave me, not again. I'm so tired of you, why can't we just be happy, we're not teenagers anymore we have to settle down, we were planning to settle down, why do you have to ruin everything again??? Okay so you gave up on us, so will I. One day you'll search for me in everyone you meet, but I won't be found."
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On this exact day, in the morning I woke up early, I was excited to see my fiancé, who was coming back from college, I went to salon, got ready and couldn't find place for the whole day. I couldn't calm down. Butterflies in my stomach were acting crazy, only after years I found out this feeling I always felt when I saw Danny or when I was waiting for him, wasn't love, it was anxiety. It was the day he left me, but for this time he never came back. I was so scared and lonely. I was scared that I would never feel the way I felt when I was with Danny and I was right. I didn't want to give up on our love, but I had to. I wasn't able to fall for someone for 4 years and then I met Jack, my husband. Why did he left? no one knows. I was searching for him for 4 years, but turned out he didn't want to be found. After all we were all convinced he was just dead. Next place was Katy's birthday party. I went there hoping we would get back together as always. But I was a bit scared, Danny kinda liked Katy and it made me nervous. No one could ever replace me but I was feeling something different about this girl, I thought Danny was falling for her. I went to the toilet, opened the door and froze. I couldn't walk, I couldn't breathe, tears were falling on my face without my concern. Danny was kissing Katy. I wanted to die. I couldn't handle this. Of course they were together how could I not know this. Danny looked me dead in the eyes greeted me and asked me if I needed to use the toilet, I nodded and they left. I couldn't believe my eyes and my ears. Now we were just friends? strangers? ex lovers? what the f was that gesture? I couldn't stop crying. But I had to, I washed my face and left the bathroom. I thought for the first time in this moment, that maybe after all he wasn't the one, maybe I was just a stupid girl, who was running back to her toxic ex boyfriend anytime he wanted to get in my pents.
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I already knew were I was going next, but I really didn't want to see this day ever again. Our graduation party exactly after 2 months from Katy's birthday.
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He got drunk and told me he still loved me, Katy was nothing, we were meant to be together, but I didn't let him cheat on his girlfriend with me, even though I wanted to with all my heart, I wasn't this kind of girl. It was the night, when he showed me his real devil face, we got into a huge fight and he wanted to beat me up,he controlled himself, but I know he wanted to hurt me. He was screaming with an animal voice and I got very scared, I had seen him in every situation, but this time it was a different person, I thought that my Danny died exactly on that day. My childhood crushed. I convinced myself that my life with him would be devastating, he would be an abusive husband and he would destroy every piece of me. My heart was dead. My person was killed by someone called Katy. He apologized the next day but, I didn't want him in my life neither as friend nor as a lover. I hadn't seen him for one year after this fight, but life brought us together again as always, because he was my soulmate.
