Kenta, Killua, Gon and I arrived at the heaven's arena a few hours after leaving Kurapika and Leorio. Kenta was humming a random tune and I snorted.
"I'm gonna finally get the chance to challenge the 200s. Will you be joining me Ren?"
"Who do you think you're asking?"
"My lovely sister who hates fighting."
"Wrong sister retard." I said sharply, rapping him over the head.
"Ouch!"
"I ain't one of the twins." I spat. "So don't even joke about it."
"Sorry, Ren." He said, head bowed.
Kenta and I actually had a strained relationship with our siblings, our mom was extremely unlucky to have two sets of twins, well that's what she told us anyways. Not that we really cared, she was a real bitch so it didn't bother us when she said hurtful things.
Kiyomi and Rukia were the only ones that fell for her lies that she loved them best, that woman didn't raise them, Kenta and I did. Kenta and I fed them, changed them, played with them ever since they were tots. It felt as if my own child was turned against me, I still love them, I really do, but I refused to show how much it hurt. I hadn't cried, I couldn't bring myself to, if they still saw that woman as their mother than so be it. I won't control them, it isn't my place.
"Let's just go." I said and walked to the sign in area.
The matches flew by for Kenta and I, soon we, Killua and Gon were in the elevator going to the 200th floor.
"So you never got to fight in the 200s, Killua?" Kenta asked
"No, my dad pulled me out as soon as I did."
"Hmm..."
I shook my head and sighed. I've been doing that a lot. I noticed this recently, I was never exactly exasperated but I don't know what it is...
"Ren, are you gonna fight as soon as you get there?"
"Maybe, we'll see."
"I still have to learn of course so I'll just see where I go."
Meaning he'd go with Wing when he appeared.
"I'll just figure it as I go. I might put some people in their places first, but after that I'll see."
"Alright. Oh, are you going to do some recon?"
"What do you think?"
"Yes?"
"Is that a question?"
"No."
"Mhmm."
Kenta grinned sheepishly and I shook my head.
"Idiot." I said and laughed.
I walked out of the elevator and towards the hallway where Hisoka resided. I stopped a few feet away and looked back at them.
"You coming or what?" I asked and they hurried to me.
We got a few feet into the hallway and I just continued to walk. Kenta flinched, making me look back worriedly. He looked at me and smiled slightly. I looked down the hallways behind them and saw wing. He gathered Gon, Killua, and Kenta before leaving.
"That was fun." I stated bluntly.
Hisoka chuckled.
"Only you would think so. Though your brother has some resistance to nen from the looks of him, he didn't flinch until I upped the force."
"I noticed that, quite mean."
"Yet you're still standing here."
"Because I have a natural affinity for my nen. In case you couldn't tell."
"Fighting you will be quite fun."
"Can't damage me to much, I'm set to marry in a few months."
"Really? To Illumi correct?"
"Yes, I was initially surprised he agreed to marry me, but I've grown used to the prospect."
"It bothered you at first?"
"Not as much as I expected it to. Only a little, I mean, marrying means settling, settling means I can't do what I wish anymore. No fun and games, no fighting just to fight."
"I doubt he would hold you back that much. He wouldn't take your wishes from you."
"He might not, but that doesn't go to say about his mother. I expect she'll want family soon."
"Ah, that's what you're worried about."
"W-what?!?!?? W-what's that supposed to mean?"
"You're worried about being a mother, aren't you? That would be one of the only things that could hold a woman back like you described."
"That's not it at all! It wouldn't be the first time I've raised someone from a few days."
"But it would be you're own. You've never had a child of your own."
"S-so what? And what are you a therapist?"
"Just trying to clear things up."
"Bullshit." I said sharply.
I stalked passed him and toward the desk.
"Every first time mother is afraid to mess things up, you aren't the first. If you raise them to the best of your abilities they will stay by you as long as they can."
I didn't say anything, I couldn't, he knew he hit the nail on the head, he knew exactly what I was afraid of, that was what terrified me the most. I closed my eyes and pushed the tears back.
"Somethimes, blood isn't everything, sometimes love isn't either." I finally spoke, my voice shaking slightly. "Just caring about someone isn't enough. Every person is free thinking, even if someone tries the best they can, it can never be enough."
I signed up and got my key to the room. I disappeared away from the hallways and to the room, sinking down to the floor, looking to the ground, fighting the tears with everything I had. I had lost everything before it was even mine.
"Kiyomi, Rukia, why did you leave us for her...? Wasn't it enough? Did we not care enough, love you enough...? Do you hate us now? Can I ever get to tell you sorry? That I couldn't give you what you wanted... I'm sorry..." I whispered choked. "... I'm sorry..."
That was were I stayed, I curled up on the floor. I didn't notice when someone stepped into the room. I was picked up and carried to the bed. I looked up and saw Illumi.
"Illumi... I'm sorry..." I said, turning away from him.
He brushed his fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes, once more fighting tears. He stayed with me until I fell asleep. At that point I didn't know how worried I had made Illumi, it would take me a while to realize exactly how bad I looked at that moment.
Next chapter will bounce between several characters
~Isani-chan
