I feel dead inside.
Every time I close my eyes,
I see what used to be.
I can't close my eyes without looking through the past.
It used to be manageable,
But it's never ending.
I can't take it any more.
I can't stop thinking of the time I'm wasting,
or how badly a younger me would absolutely hate me today,
Or how nothing is going to bring back the time that's gone.
I've taken everything for granted,
And I have no way of getting a single thing back.
Pictures and memories are good for strengthening my memory,
But reopening my eyes and remembering I'm in the present is enough of a painful feeling to make me want to end it.
I can't stop anything.
I can't change back.
I can't forget the things I've seen,
Or done,
Or just know.
If I keep my eyes closed,
I relive it longer,
Stronger.
Maybe if I permanently close these tainted, disgusting fucking eyes of mine, I can go back.
I really think it would be worth a shot.
But what if when I go back,
I'm the only one left?
It can't be that way.
No, I need it to be how it was for the first time.
I need to go back and never go forward.
Loop my life in the same 10 years over and over and over,
Never let me leave,
Or end it now.
I've prayed and cried for years to go back and nothing has changed.
Please, I'm begging of you, send me home.
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep living this fucking bullshit of a life.
Nothing make sense anymore, and trying to process it is harder everyday.
I'm a lot less high functioning than I was 3 years ago and I'm going down fast.
I already feel dead on the inside,
Just finish the job
