Hiraeth | A JENLISA AU | On Going

Prayers and Dreams

My mind was all over the place. My eyes were unfocused as it kept glancing at the woman beside me and back to the empty road. I kept driving and driving, not minding my speed nor where we would end up.

It's dangerous to drive in such a state since I was worse than being inebriated but I couldn't bring myself to step on the brakes and calm myself for a minute before driving again. I know I was risking my life and Lisa's but I was shaking too much that I fear if I swerve a little, I'd jerk and crash the car.

Driving is my therapy. It calms me when I'm stressed and when I overthink. But tonight, it wasn't working since the reason why I'm stressed and why I overthink is just a few inches away from me, dozing off without a care in the world. It's useless.

I glanced at Lisa and worry my lip between my teeth.

I wish we had more time.

What did she mean by that?

I fought the urge to shake Lisa awake and demand for an answer but seeing her peaceful face, I decided to just let her be and wrack my brain for answers I don't have.

Time... Why wawas she asking for more time when she's the one who couldn't give it anymore? She has her 00, right? I saw it with my own eyes. She confirmed it and told me that she's happy.

That night happened, right? I wasn't imagining the feeling of my heart breaking when I saw her walking towards a man I do not know and smiling like she meant what she said; that's she's happy. I didn't imagine the pain upon breaking the flute I was holding, right? Nor did I imagine the way how my blood felt warm as it travelled to my palm and down to the pristine marbled tiles of that place, didn't I?

With left hand on the wheel, I raised my right hand and saw the scar that finally healed. It scarred and Jisoo even made a ruckus about it. She told me how reckless I was which resulted to the imperfection on my hand. She clicked her tongue and suggested ways on how to remove the long gash but with a shake of my head, I turned down every proposal to make it perfect again.

I didn't want for it to be gone. It was a reminder of my heartbreak, of warm smiles and bright doe eyes. It reminded me of what could not be and the biggest what ifs in my life.

A sign that I couldn't have the happiness that I wanted. So why...

Why did Lisa sputter such nonsense as if she wanted to give me happiness? Why is she asking for those when she was the one who said goodbye? How can she wish for something so impossible when she's the one who believes in the clock?

Is she that cruel? Is the devil secretly hiding behind her angelic face and childish traits? Is she out here to torment me and let me not live in peace?

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

If so, will she still say that once she's sober? Will she start to believe that we can become something greater than what her clock indicates?

That I can be someone who can make her happy?

Will something change tomorrow?

Even without voicing that question, the answer was already staring at me straight the in eyes as it glinted in my peripheral. I slightly slowed down and glanced at the source of the glint. Despite the darkness surrounding us and the fleeting light from the posts, I know it's still 00. She has reached her end.

My heart broke into two upon seeing it exposed, as if she was proud to show how she was not waiting to be happy anymore. As if she wanted the world to know that she finally found that person she'll share her warmth with and that she'll never be cold ever again.