Just be there

Casey

*Two Months Later*
It's been about a month and a half since Izzie came home from the hospital. Things are....okay. On the surface everything seems fine. Izzie seems good. I'm grateful for that, I really am. She's been going to therapy, taking her recently adjusted medications as prescribed. She's been communicating when she feels the "heaviness", as she refers to it, creeping back up on her. Things are fine.

It's just when I don't know where she is, I panic. When I wake up in the middle of the night and she's not beside me, I'm terrified. When she misses the bus on the way back from therapy and gets home late, I feel like I can't breathe until I confirm she's safe and sound. I feel like I'm constantly being so careful with her, because I don't want to make anything worse. I would never willingly admit it out loud, but I'm exhausted.

I love Izzie. So much. More than anything or anybody. I just don't know how to be in a relationship where I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

Izzie is looking at the dormitory registration form for UCLA, and we are supposed to be putting down if we have a preference for a roommate. Izzie just assumes that we are putting down each other. I really and truly want to write her name down. On one hand there is the benefit of privacy with just the two of us in the room. Lots of sexy time. I could also keep an eye on her. A very small part of me is afraid though. Afraid that things may not work out.

I'm beyond exhausted now, something has to give. I can't be in a relationship where I'm walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. However, I'd rather cut my own arm off than end things with Izzie. I don't know what to do.

Izzie notices my quietness. "Baby, what's wrong?" She says, reaching out to squeeze my hand. I shrug. I can't even begin to put all of this into words, and I'd be terrified to do so even if I could. "Casey...please talk to me." She tries again, and the earnest look in her eyes makes it impossible to deny her.

I lean my face down to rest them on both of my hands. I have to be honest, but be very careful how I phrase things. I feel Izzie reach out and stroke the back of my hair. "It's okay Casey, just talk to me" She says softly.

I gulp and try to find the words. "I'm so so glad you're okay. And I'm completely and utterly in love with you and will be for the rest of my life...I'm just terrified. Anytime I don't know where you are, I panic. I see you lying in that hospital bed and it feels like I can't breathe. If I wake up in the middle of the night and you're not there, I see the paramedics carrying you out on a stretcher again. I'm just exhausted from being terrified all the time. I'm not sure I can keep going on like this Iz." I lift my head up as I'm speaking, so I'm looking her in the eyes. I see the tears start to fall from her eyes as I see her heart starting to crack. I feel my own heart breaking as I see her lips tremble.

"I'm sorry." She says softly, I can hear her trying to keep her voice from breaking. Tears start to fall from my own eyes. "Baby you don't need to be sorry, but something has got to give." I say gently, trying desperately not to make things worse. Izzie tentatively reaches out, slowly wiping the tears from my cheeks. "Do you want to break up?" She says so quietly it's almost a whisper, with her thumbs still resting gently on my cheeks. "No. Absolutely not. Not even a little. I'd rather cut off a limb than lose you. I'm completely and utterly in love with you Iz. I see how hard you're trying baby, I do. I just can't imagine spending all of college feeling this terrified that you might try to harm yourself again." I say, trying to find the right words, knowing I am probably fucking this up.

Izzie is quiet for a long time. We just sit and stare at each other, both of us with tears slowly falling from each of our eyes to roll down our tear streaked cheeks.

Finally I see her take a deep breath. "I'm not sure what I can say, all I can do is promise that I'll try talking to you or getting help if I feel it getting that bad again." She says carefully, clearly considering each word as it comes out of her mouth. I let out a breath. I can't ask her for anything more than that. "Okay baby" I say back and squeeze her hand. I lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead, and she wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my chest. I lean my head against hers, breathing her in. Later after we are both calm, I write down Isabel Taylor on my form for roommate preference.
*****

Saying goodbye to Izzie's siblings is hard. We spend the day with them, while Izzie tries to soak them in. Izzie promises to FaceTime regularly, and hugs each of them for a very long time. I see Luca wiping away a tear as he turns away, Gabi has a sad look in her eyes, and Charlie bawls her eyes out. "NO! ITHY AND CAKEY STAY!" We hear her screaming as we go to leave the small apartment they live in. I see Izzie's eyes filling with tears. When we get to the car, she starts to sob in the passenger seat. "Baby, we will come back and see them for Thanksgiving, we will come visit as much as possible, I promise." I say, leaning over to console to try to comfort her. Izzie nods but she still looks sad.

We head back to our house and finish packing the last few things we need to load into the car. We get hugs from my parents, Sam, and Zahid. I'm going to miss Sam, but he's been doing so well lately, and I know Zahid will look out for him. Elsa of course cries and fusses over both of us. Finally it's time to get in the car and start our nearly three thousand mile, six day road trip, to UCLA.

I give Izzie's hand a squeeze as we turn onto the main road. "Everything's going to be okay baby" I say cheerfully, but honestly I'm not sure if I'm trying to comfort her or myself.