Just be there

Izzie

The weeks pass by and I can feel the heaviness starting to creep back up inside my soul.

I wonder what life is like for people who don't have to carry this heaviness inside their souls all the time. I wonder what it truly feels like to feel okay.

I take my medications, trying to medicate the heaviness away. For awhile, it kept the heaviness at bay.

It's just lately, I can feel it rising im my soul again. Casey can see that something is wrong. I know she is worried. She tries to assure me that everything will be alright. How can she say that though? She doesn't know what it's like inside my head. What it's like to feel hopeless. Like you've been drowning your whole life, trying to fight the current, and what it's like to be so tired, that death sounds like a reprieve. So often I wish I had simply never existed. It seems easier that way. That way I could fade into nothingness without hurting anyone. I wish I wasn't alive, but I can't do that to Casey.

So I stay, I continue breathing, I continue to do what I have to. I'm just so fucking tired. I want to rest. I can't sleep most nights, so everything hurts.

I'm afraid to tell anybody about how heavily saturated my soul is in the darkness. If I did, I feel like everyone would just abandon me.

So I feel terrified and lonely. I wish I couldn't feel anything at all. That would be easier I think.

I wish I had a reason to want to be alive other than guilt. I wish I was normal. I wish for so many things, things that I can never have.

I'm tired of wishing. It is doing my heart no favors to wish for what I can't have. It's just I'm afraid if I stop wishing, I will lose my last bit of hope I have left.

I'm just so tired of being tired. Just so damn tired.