CAPACITY FOR WONDER. | alex albon

iv. only the job makes you feel

Being back didn't hurt as much as it normally did. Every time she left, but only when her destination was home, she longed for the comforts that Monaco brought her. The way it made her feel, to such a niche degree, where the only other thing that made her feel such a way, were the stars. They had that in common, Monaco and the stars, they made her notice how small she really was -- how insignificant any mistake she made was in comparison to the grandeur of Monaco with its too full streets and too rich history, or to how vast the stars were, so great against her lack of.

In the very moment, she couldn't have told anyone why it hurt less, but in retrospect, it was painfully obvious and she supposed her height of oblivion made it sweeter to look back on. Even as they landed at the airport, it felt different where baggage reclaims and the commute away from a hustle she hated, for once, left her more content than angry, more placid than antagonised. Maybe it was because she felt less than she normally did but in the best way possible from a girl who was renowned for her negative emotions being felt so harshly. She didn't expect this to be understood, but as she looked across at Alex, the way he looked back at her -- properly looked, made her feel like he did understand, that he always would.

The meeting of their eyes didn't last long and she was glad for too many reasons, a breath she wasn't even aware she was holding in finally making its shaky escape as she focused her eyes back where his were now trained, on the road ahead of them. As it happens, even her usual hatred of being driven down a motorway was subsided. Whilst 6pm brought the ending wave of rush hour madness where that day she appreciated the mellowing sky instead of the crawling traffic, the best of the radio instead of the repetitive ads, the comfort of the noise instead of her usual craves for quiet.

"It's this turn, here." She spoke up in time as he made the exit onto a beaten track, the kind only time forged.

"I don't think I've ever gotten back to my apartment this way."

"Come on Alex, you really thought I was going to let you get away with just going straight back?"

"Well, I wouldn't say you were known for your niceties." He dared, the laugh in response told him maybe he should've done so more when he was younger. In reality, younger could've applied to any time before that very moment, because it was common knowledge amongst men that with time, people aged. Perhaps he wished younger him had the courage to pick dare in a party game of Truth or Dare, or that younger him had dared to have the 'fuck you.' attitude to the people who deserved it, maybe he even hoped that a younger version of himself had been in the right place, at the right time to meet the right people sooner. Either way, with her, he dared now.

"Come on, I dug your grave a couple of miles this way." She said as he pulled the car up to a stop and supposed if there was any lace of truth to her words, that this wouldn't be the worst way to go.

But she had said it too deadpan, even Alex in his few weeks of knowing her knew that if she said something with too serious a look on her face, that she was joking. He really hoped she was joking.

"Oh, June!" He played along, "You did all that just for me? When did you even have the time?"

"I always make time for you, Alexander."

"Well, aren't we just the cutest?" He replied as he flung his arm loosely around her shoulders, his stature shadowing the girl as he allowed her to lead the way to their destination, eyes focusing more on her than the path ahead.

To anybody that had seen them that day, the few seeming struck teenage girls, the abundance of fitness gurus posing for pictures in their sponsored gym wear or the many dog-walkers, they seemed like a couple. The kind too wrapped up in each other to care for the world around them, the kind you'd never ask for directions from in fear or bursting their bubble, the kind that had been, and would be, together forever. Even as her hand laced through his, the one that rested on her shoulder, and her side leaned into him, neither of them for a second believed they looked like any more than they were labelled to be -- friends.

Despite the two previous years of his life being filled with extensive exercise, any kind of exertion now wasn't overly welcomed by Alex, yet he continued to make his way up the slope that she led him up. He had taken his hand back, removed his arm from around her too as constant fears raced through his head of what could've happened had he left in there.

And still, as his pace began to falter and he dropped, what she deemed, too large of a distance behind her, his hand returned to the solace of hers, a gentle drag commencing his homecoming. A motivational squeeze or an energising swing of their hands, Alex knew, were the only reasons he managed to reach the summit of the hill that day. The view when he got there was all that he needed to appreciate this fact.

"It's gorgeous, it could almost take your breath away," Alex said, for a moment, appreciating the fact he was talking about the view from the peak.

"That might just be the altitude." She responded as she settled beside him on the side of the path, a place she knew must've been used as a resting point so many times as the earth caved in slightly.

"I think I've only ever felt like this once before."

Against her first instincts of telling him he should probably get out more, she prompted his story with a look that so obviously read, 'go on then, tell me more.'

So he did. In so much detail that she knew without him even saying that this one prior occurrence had actually happened multiple times but, instead, was only caused by one root -- his job. Which should've narrowed down for her his list of careers, but some people felt awe when they solved a Maths equation, or when they sent the perfect email, and she wasn't in a position to judge what made him feel like he was on top of the world.

"It's like my job is innate, the feeling it gives should be one to live for. Like, you know, the act." A laugh graced her lips and he couldn't help but follow suit as she ridiculed his attempted explanation, and more importantly, his phrasing. He looked across to her now, where before he had been looking ahead of him whilst he talked, and explained, and elaborated, and gave her every little detail she craved to know, to the point where he was sure he had talked his way out of words.

He smiled as it seemed she knew he felt this way too, her lips quirking into a smile of their own before she talked for the first time since they'd reached their destination. "Why did you make the turn?" She asked, and his own smile grew wider as an overwhelming feeling of being understood took over all his actions and reactions. Somehow, she knew without him even telling her that all he wanted her to do was listen, not provide a multitude of advice. "You could've ignored me."

"You're hard to ignore," He returned, the thought slipping out as quickly as it established in his head with an added shrug in an attempt to plead flippancy to his words. "Anyway, I didn't expect you to understand, and yet, you do."

"I'm full of surprises."

"So I'm reminded."

"You're scared of what you are, without this job of yours." She told him, the look on his face betraying his attempt to cover up that this was the first time someone had said it straight to him. "I want to try something, but you've got to trust me." She started and then continued with a total suggestion of ideas that he recognised she must've been thinking about for a while, and it was perfect, a completely sane way for him to try and experience the feeling that two entirely opposite moments, one so close to the ground and one so high about it, that both driving and the summit had given him -- wonder.

"Come on, Alex." She pleaded with him now, and though he knew he'd say yes to anything with her, he allowed the plead to continue, "Be honest with me. How much do you have to lose by making this deal?"

If the two words that followed weren't confirmation enough, the way he consciously looked at her now, his hand somehow having found its way into never releasing hers was.

"Absolutely nothing."