Pursuit of the Whole

III. Homesick

Julia's POV:

They say it's a normal response to feel homesick.

Normal to feel this feeling of grief or loss during a transition period of moving from everything you've ever known to a place where you know nothing or anyone.

Now, you don't feel that feeling of belonging anymore.

Now, you long for something that is known, predictable, consistent, and stable.

"When I find something I'm comfortable with, I kinda like it to stay."

And as I stared at the chalkboard, I told myself that this feeling was normal and temporary. The professor dismissed the class, and I looked down to see printed words in my notebook. Somehow, I managed to write down whatever the professor wrote on the board, but I don't remember how I did it.

My mind went empty as I moved from one classroom to another.

The same thing happened.

And after my class, there was a gap. I should be grateful only to have a single two-hour gap in my schedule, but I don't. I didn't even think about it.

My backpack settled on top of the table, and I took out the bag of cereals. There may be more snacks in my backpack than actual school supplies. My eyes travel around the campus to see students in groups. So far, the whole college experience is different from what I thought it would be.

It's been dulled and lonely.

But as I spotted students walking alone with their headphones shoved into their ears, I felt a bit better. I'm not the only one who's alone. It seems normal to be alone.

This isn't high school.

There isn't a clique.

Unless you count the sorority, fraternity, dentist club, and all the booths with student organizations lined up in the center of the school. Apparently, Bel-Ami has over 400 student organizations, and if you can't find a club, you can invent one.

With determination, I grabbed my backpack and headed toward what seemed to be bloodthirsty club recruiters. Once in a while, I stop by a club that catches my interest but not enough for me to sign my name and information. When I told them - no - they politely backed off and continued their pitch toward another student. They're probably used to this type of scenario and understand which students they can push a bit more into the club.

The longer I explored the different clubs, the easier it was to spot the pattern. The club would allow anyone to sign up, but their club members seem to have a theme. How they dressed. How they behave. How they present themselves.

I quickly cross out of the clubs that I can't imagine myself being a part of.

After visiting more than a few booths, I started to lose hope.

These next four years seem to consist of me, myself, and I.

"Oh?" When I looked up, I saw Dr.Kim.

"Oh?" I made the same sound he made earlier.

Dr.Kim was sitting behind a table with a few other students. I looked down to see-pre-law. He must be the supervisor in charge of the Bel-Ami Pre-Law Society.

Dr.Kim glances at the papers in my hands, "How's club hunting?"

"Terrible," I responded.

"What makes it so terrible?"

"Many clubs. Many information. Not enough time to think."

He nods, "Overwhelmed?"

"Slightly."