Club Echo

No Time To Die

No Time To Die by Billie Eilish

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Y/N's POV

I almost didn't want to believe it. I mean, how could I? I thought that things were going well for us and that our future was only a few words away. But, I was wrong. I felt my whole world crumble to pieces as Lizzie told me that she didn't love me anymore. The words came out of her mouth so easily like what we had never mattered. It hurts knowing that I gave her my all and it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough. Now, I'm left with nothing but a broken heart. She took everything with her and left me with all of her broken promises.

I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment. It's been two weeks since she left, but it feels like an eternity. I haven't gotten any goodnight sleep and when my body would get tired of crying, I would wake up in a panic, being reminded of the pain she caused. Then, I start to blame myself for all the things I could've done right but didn't. It's a thought process that I've found myself doing these past couple of weeks. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's all my fault as to why I left. Maybe, I didn't do enough and that I didn't love her enough. I mean, if she left me so easily like that, then it must be my fault.

I've completely neglected the outside world. All of the missed calls and texts from people, asking me if I'm okay, I ignored. I didn't feel like talking to any of them. There was only one person I wanted to talk to. But, I feel like that's too much to ask. It's not something I can attain because I don't matter to her anymore. Not the way I thought I did. I almost felt bad for leaving all of my responsibilities at work, but I didn't care enough to show up. I chose to isolate myself from everyone else because I don't want anyone seeing how broken I am.

Alcohol became something I would always run to every time the pain would get too unbearable. I know it's not going to fix anything, but I came to a point where I just don't want to feel anything. But, I've learned the hard way that I can't flush everything out. It doesn't work like that. I'm either feeling too much or nothing at all. And sometimes, reality would hit me harder than I could see it coming. I've lost all senses and I don't think I could come back to how I used to be.

To make matters worse, everything about my apartment reminds me of her. All of the memories we created, most of them are my absolute favorite ones. There were nights where I found myself replaying those memories in my head, and I'm quickly reminded of how great things were before everything came crashing down on me. It was as simple as her making me breakfast in the morning, our silly dorky dance battles, doing chores together and having fun doing it, and the times where we would lay comfortably on the couch watching our favorite show. I would do anything to go back to those good old days. A moment in time where nothing else mattered but us. But, as reality starts to kick in, it would rip me apart from the inside, taking what little control I have left on my body and everything else in between.

My bed sheets still smell like her. Even after I washed them, her scent somehow stuck around, reminding me of her presence. The pain would become unbearable at night because I want nothing more than to have her inside of my arms once again. Sometimes, I would wear one of the shirts she forgot, and for a split second, it's like she's with me again. I would cry myself to sleep thinking of her. She's the first and last thing I think of before exhaustion would take over my body for a little bit.

Bad days tend to come for me more often than I would let it. I have days where I would lay down and cry my heart out, but there are days where it would attack me from the inside out of nowhere, and I would feel nothing but pure anger. Numb. A few days after she left, I didn't stop drinking even after I hit my limit. The indescribable pain was gnawing at me from the inside as I punched the wall as hard as I could. I didn't care about the stinging pain I felt when I did, the one that my heart was feeling was a lot worse. I couldn't breathe and it feels like I'm suffocating. I've done this whole routine for about as long as everything came crashing down on me. It's unhealthy, but I couldn't do anything but let the pain consume me. I have no control left.