Life is weird

Dreams and death ig

For this chapter I was already planning to talk about what I wanted to do when I get older and become an adult. Unfortunately my mom beat me to and asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She asked me why I didn't just lie. For once I had no comeback and I just told her I didn't like lying about it. I mean it wasn't a lie, it was the truth but I don't know.
Anyways as I'm pretty sure I've already said I don't want to famous for this. Like most I love games and I'm part of the DSMP (dream smp). I've always loved the idea of making videos and streaming but I knew I wouldn't have the equipment for it. Of course most people have to start somewhere but my bratty ass won't have it. Making music was another choice but I'm not exactly sure making music on garage band would work well. Plus I don't have the best voice. My therapist says I need to stop putting myself down so I mean it's ok to have an average voice, most singers do. Yet I'm sure they have something special that they can do well. That's what I've noticed about most people in society. Everyone has something special or their good at specific things. I guess that's why I hate myself so much. It's probably because I think that just because there's nothing special about me I'm not worth anything. Then again it could just be my desperate attempt to be better than my family and rise to the top. My sister has already done that so I guess that's off the list. But hey at least I know for sure one person loves me. My partner. I'm very greatly appreciative of him. They make me so happy just by one text. The fact that he chose me as a partner makes me feel slightly special. It's pretty nice that one person can make another feel that way. Of course I can't completely rely on him because if we ever break up it's gonna end terribly for the only fact I was relying on him for happiness. Once again I've gotten off track. This is supposed to be about me yet I still put the light on someone else. Huh weird.

I've never liked thinking about the future. Even when I was younger than seven I've always hated it.
It meant I had to grow up and find something to do for the rest of my life. It didn't help that my mom would always say "I don't care what you do as long as you're the best at it." Later in 2020 whilst in the hospital having family therapy I found out it was supposed to be encouraging. I never took it that way though. I always thought I had to be the best at whatever I did or else I was just worthless and a fucking disappointment. Well I'm trans and fruity so I guess I'm already a disappointment. That saying is probably why I never thought about my future much when I was younger. Too late now the damage is done. I think I'm still gonna try to stream and make videos. If I get famous this is my thank you now. Like deadass thank you. However if I don't I hope I was able to make at least on person happy. For the people in the back wondering if I have a back up plan yes I do. It's to learn how to bartend without alcohol first then slowly start adding it in until I become a professional. Or if I fuck that up too I can just become an entertainer. Maybe a stripper but probably not until after surgeries. If I wanted to I could do cosplay or cosmetics. Another idea that's most likely gonna happen according to my chosen family is that I become a tattoo artist. Which in my opinion I think it will most likely happen too.
In all honesty I just want to do something important or leave my mark on this world before I leave. I almost gave up last year in 2020. Sometimes I'm great full that I survived and sometimes I'm not. Right now though I just want to get on the path to make it out of this fucking state. As soon as I get back to my house I'm cleaning my room and redecorating it. Hopefully this will give me enough motivation for the new school year. And I'm praying.

PEACE

Peace made it 769 words