Life is weird

I'm sorry

I know I'm not posting anything and I'm really sorry about it. My memory is getting worse and keep forgetting that this even exists. Honestly I'm not sure why I'm forgetting things more easily. It's such a pain in the ass though. A small example first so I don't overload y'all. This is my warning this chapter is probably gonna get dark real fucking quick.

Example:
I'll be on TikTok as most people are. I'll see some angsty post or my ex on my fyp and become sad. Say five or ten TikToks down and I've forgotten but the feeling of emptiness remains. So out of curiosity of what could've made me so sad and feel like an ice cube in the sun, I go back up and find it. Of course because I've forgotten I rewatch it and I live through it again. Sometimes this happens multiple times. It's really painful and I hate it.

Now that you've seen the small example let me tell you how this effects me and my day to day life. Now I've been hurt a lot. Mainly when I was younger because it's easier to mess with a child who can't stand up for it's self. So when that child finally finds it's voice you don't want to be held accountable. And that's where gaslighting comes in. I've been told so many times that the only memories I have from when I was younger are all fake and that the adults never did that to me. I was told I was being dramatic and exaggerating everything. Everyone did it so much that it's to the point where if I'm telling the truth or if I'm really faking it. All of the gaslighting is starting to catch up with me and I'm scared I'm gonna forget who hurt me and go back to them. I'm gonna go back and relive it like how I rewatch the TikToks. What's even worse is if I'm an asshole about it everyone paints me as the asshole yet if I don't stand up for myself I'm too soft. It's like everyone took my shoes and mopped the floors around me with lava.

Another great example of this is how my mom just walked in and gave me popcorn and almost forgot what I was doing. God at this point just slap me with an Oreo and call me C!Ranboo. I swear now that I'm trying to think and remember it's just like "Oh I remember that one time you said that one thing that made me upset" and instantly remember the feeling that came along with it.

I mean it had one good use; forgetting ex's. It worked its magic so well I couldn't remember ones face or name at all! It was amazing. I eventually remembered and now it won't leave my mind but I have a feeling I'll forget them again soon.

I'm so sorry I haven't been saying anything. It's mainly because if I don't have enough words I feel like it's a disappointment. I SWEAR that I'll try to get more chapters. Most likely a couple are gonna be about all of my Ex's. Yeah it's not my proudest accomplishment but there's a lot of stories on them.

Hell I have a small one, I have all of my classes with my last ex. We'll call him Red. Now I knew he would be in my school but I was hoping he wasn't. But at last there would be no story if he wasn't. We have I think all of the same classes together. So today was absolutely horrendous. It was to the point I had spiked sprite. Fun times.

That's all for today but I really hope I'll be able to get more chapters in amd I'll do my best. Please for the love of all gods and entities please hydrate and eat. Even it's small sips or small bites, I'm very proud of you. Love y'all stay safe and stay rad.<3