The Gospel of Ariel: Volume II

XXXIX

It was at this time I went to seek Ciaphas, for a feeling of dread overcame me. He was aged now and ill, and I wished to see him since before he took me. Though often we disagreed, he was also the Lord's servant and executed his duties righteously as he perceived them, in accordance with his interpretation of the Law. For , though scripture may be revealed by God, its interpretation falls to men. And so I set out for the Temple. As I drew nearer, I heard the sound of anguished groans emanating from within. I followed the sound and was drawn to the Holy of Holies, which no one but the High Priest enters, and then only on certain days of the year to preform certain duties that fall only to him. For it is the dwelling place of God, of Y-weh. We are forbidden to speak this name alone owing to its sacred nature. It means "the I Am", "The Self-Existent One. " We cannot speak this name alone, except for the high priest at the proper time on Yom Kippur, the Day of Attonement, as to do so is to claim to know Him in a way we cannot. Knowing all this, when I came to the doorway, I stopped. But, as I looked within, I saw the high priest lying beneath the altar, a sacrificial knife buried halfway to the hilt in his bowels. And I was terrified, and rushed to him. I raised his head, took him in my arms, and held him to my breast. I looked into his pale, pained face, and, even for all he had done to me, I loved him. Deeply, dearly, tenderly. All the more now for his passion, his suffering and service, to our Lord, and, as a child, to me. I beheld his body and could see he was thin. I knew that even before the sword, he was suffering. And so I wept in my heart and kissed his brow. Sensing me, he opened his eyes and spoke to me thus,

"Child, do not weep, for all will be as it must be, according to His will and purpose. If you are Ariel, God's Lioness, though your anger is righteous, spare an old man your wrath now..."

And he was quiet for a time, though his breathing was shallow and labored. I imagined the wound prevented him from breathing deeply, and that doing so would cause more pain. The greater his suffering, the greater my love for him. I kissed the aged priest again and said to him,

"Peace now, Caiaphas, dear to God and to me, for you are suffering deeply. Though my anger is righteous indeed, in this moment, I cast it aside. For we must forgive. I have come to you now in your distress that I might help you, heal you, for in truth you are just as plagued as I in body, mind, and spirit. All the more so for your advanced age. Would that I had come to you sooner, that I might have saved you from yourself-yet it is not deep. But how came you to be thus? Tell me, dear, aged servant, what have you done?!

"Peace, beloved child. Leave it, for it is finished. To remove it now would only be to hasten my death. What you would do then, for you are pure of heart, you would do out of compassion. I deserve neither a quick death nor compassion. I have become as you see me in accordance with his will. What you witness now is my undoing by my own hand, though truly, I am undone by my own wicked deeds, as befits the wicked. I knew when I took you, you did not give consent. I took you outside the city, so by law, you did not give it. You are still a child. I am aged. I took a wife and took a maiden against her will. I have shamed myself, I shamed you, and in so doing, have tainted the name of Israel.I have sinned against a father, against you, against a servant of God, against the Father of us all. Indeed, not only have I stolen your maidenhood in a violent manner, I have murdered you! I swear I will not harm you further, and no man alive shall know you again but by your own will, which I see now is the will of God. I have broken all the commandments and other laws besides. I have sinned in a manner which is unspeakable. And yet...and yet, you are here with me, a lamb in the den of a lion, that you would forgive that which I cannot, which God cannot, must not, will not. For he is just and righteous, defends the innocent, the weak, the oppressed, the righteous, the pure of heart, and all with a just cause. He came to me in a dream, together with Uriel, the gatekeeper, of Gehenna, of Sheol, of that which the Greeks call Tartarus. And with them were many chief angels: Chamuel, Zadkiel, Gabriel, Jophiel, Jeremiel, Raguel, and Azrael. They told me I must repent for this sin. One among them is a judge, some bring peace, two are angels of death. And so, in penance, dear, beloved child, as blessed as you are blameless, I have taken my life that I might make restitution, as is right, and that you might be at peace."