The dull life of a people pleaser.

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I had enough. Of my family. Of the people that claim to love me. Of people who thought they knew me. Of myself. Of my life. Of everything and everyone.
Everyone scolded,insulted,criticised and made claims about me when they had no idea about me.

Actually they did know. My own family knew, about me struggling and finding it hard to get out of bed everyday, about me not being able to eat without the voices in my head popping up, about me drowning in life and begging for their help, about the several attempts that they wanted to ignore and cover up. They knew it all but their pride was more important to them then i was.

I had tried to bring it up a few times. I hated feeling that way. I wanted it to stop. There was only one time they answered me, they shouted and scolded me, for being "selfish" and said i had "put the family to shame". Of course whenever i brought up after that, they would shut me down and scream and shout at me until they saw tears forming in my eyes then they decide to lock me in my room.

I felt as though what they said about me had come true. All of those times they ridiculed and humiliated me, i was starting to believe them and fall into their web of lies.

At night, thats when i feel the worst. Its just me trapped with my thoughts. All of the horrible comments twisting through my mind. "You need to lose weight" "You laugh like a horse" "Smile with your mouth closed". The cruel sentences haunted me as if it was my first time hearing them. Over and over again,stuck on replay in my head and i had started to give in.

All my 17 years of living were hell. I was stuck at home. Private tutors,no friends,no fun,no freedom. My parents always put their social status over my wellbeing, it had become normal to me to deal with problems on my own, even when i couldn't handle them. From the age of 9, the anxiety attacks started then the panic attacks kicked in around half a year later. From the age of 11, i was stressing about colleges and universities. From the age of 14, i was worrying about keeping myself alive and trying to convince myself things would get better. And from the age of 16, i had slowly started to give up.

There were so many things i still wanted to do; fall in love, make at least 1 best friend i could always count on, get a matching tattoo, teach my children how to look after themselves  and be a good mother to them. So many things i wanted to do that i couldn't. Everything started piling up, higher and higher and higher.Tasks, jobs, school, grades. My head was telling me that i couldn't eat until i had finished the work. My head pounded and pounded. I kept taking more and more pills until i had taken too many without even realising.

NO NO! I cant die yet, i cant. I still have so many things i need to do. I have work to finish. I have my family to please. I have to, i have to live up to their standards. I have to be as good as them, i don't wanna be a disappointment to our family, PLEASE!

And there it is, how my shitty life ended. It seemed rather fitting to be honest; shitty start and a shitty end. I have a lot of regrets but the one that hurts me most is that i wasted my life. I wasted my life trying so hard to please everyone else that i didn't even notice how badly i was treating myself. Instead of living a good life for me, i lived a shitty life trying to please people. Trying to please the same people who were killing me.
It might have been all my fault and i might not be able to change it but it will always be my deepest regret and it will stay in my rotting heart forever.